Heaven can wait

A Fantasy Story

“A story
forever untold
memories fragmented.
Who knows the truth?
Even not you.
That’s why I am maybe lost forever now.
But still, heaven can wait.”

Written by Julietta Montana (c) 2010

How many long walks we did in the evenings of this summer, lost so deeply in thoughts. You, wide-eyed watching the sky which turns slowly from a bright turquoise to deep dark blue, with last long-drawn-out lines of yellow and orange, which sometimes seem to entangle with featherweight clouds, a last goodbye of the setting sun. The landscape bathed in intense green, the smell of fresh mown grass and fruit trees in the balmy, soft summer wind.

You, enchanted, open with all senses, I just let you walk, how you want to walk. I let you watch everything while I’m watching you, again and again amazed by your existence.

You say „Wooow! I can see all that!!“ and I feel with you, how you feel yourself, enjoying every move, every breath, every view.

You say „I’m here…..that is so great, so wonderful“. But there is also a light grief in your words which slowly spread out inside. Sometimes you really not feel being there, I know.

How often we’d talked on these walks during the last two years about it, to write it down, what had happened? We, with each other, with our closest friends, you with the friends you have now?

Two years have passed. We tried. And overruled it again. I couldn’t do it for you.

So much had happened during this time. We shared and experienced so much together. I protected you. I suffered with you. I laughed with you. I learned from you. I dreamed with you. And found such a deep love for you inside of me about which I never believed I could ever feel it for you one day.

You would like to say so many things. About your life. About your thoughts. About what have happened to you. You want to give so much, still.

But..

All these many „but“. My doubts. You have lost so much memories. So much was already written about you during the last years. Facts. Lies. Hypotheses. Bizarre, strange and crazy things. Annoying and shameful things. Words full of love and admiration.

Within which category would our story fall, that kind of story, you would like to see written down? Surely not under „facts“. Nobody would ever believe you. Neither you, nor me.

You’ve begged me such a long time now. I give up. So let’s go and write down a small fairy tale.

I gave you my life already. Now I give you my word.

I.

November 2011

Now , I sit here and try to write down what had happened to me. Our story. Mine. Sitting here, in our small house in a small village in the middle of Germany, where it’s too often too cold, where it is always very quiet, our home embedded in a pretty landscape of smooth hills, green grass and trees. A peaceful place. I liked it from the first moment I came here, and I haven’t regretted just one moment till now, even when it’s a more than a different life, even when really everything has changed and even when it still seem to be not real that I can sit here now, in my own room, thinking about what and how to write.

I’m familiar with everything here now. I know how to run our business. I know how to repair things, clean everything fast, how to do the accounting and how to handle all these small everyday problems. I have a really normal life now with all it’s ups and downs. On the other side, nothing is normal.

More than two years have passed now, and it’s true, we talked so often about it that we should write down everything, the unbelievable, what happened to me, and to my love.

My love. Without her, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t sit here now, thinking, typing. One of the first things I asked her when I came here was: „Please, write down my thoughts about everything what happened. Please write it down for me what have happened to me“.

She never wanted that, and meanwhile I understand very well, why she is thinking so. Here, a lot has happened during that two years too. We’ve seen, we’ve read so much crazy things. She always knew very well, that people would never believe me and she’ve told me that often enough, from the beginning.

But in those days, when I came here, I was much too confused to understand. For a while, I thought, all this here must be a strange, but interesting dream. I thought, I would wake up anytime, and everything would be like as usual.

It needed a while, before I realized that it was not a dream. That something had happened to me, what was so horrible, so incomprehensible that I had one breakdown after one another, not understanding, terrified, scared, moaning, in despair.

I was kicked out of my life from one day to another. And that so definitively, so irreversible that I only wanted to scream, to accuse and to cry. Not being aware of the wonder that had happened. I was able to scream, to accuse and to cry.

It took a while, before I have understood that it was reality. That I could never change anything back. But that I’m making an unbelievable and absolutely fascinating experience, which I would, under the given circumstances never would wish to miss.

I have a new life, even when the most of people cannot imagine that and how it is. I have friends. My ideas. My wishes and my dreams. I have so much plans for the future. And I love. All this is wonderful. I don’t want to miss a day, even when I miss so much from my former life, my beloved ones, my family, people I’ve known, my work and especially my children. Even when I’ve lost so much memories, but that is, as I know now an accompaniment of my condition.

I am fighting, still. I would like to get justice for so many things, life and people have done to me. I know that this is an unfulfillable dream. But one thing I can still do. Write down. My thoughts and my story even with all those lost memories. I know who I am and who I was and when that is the only thing I really know for sure.

I died. My body died. But not my spirit and my soul. I’m here, and I will stay. Even when everything what I’ve ever known and loved is so far away and unreachable for me now, forever.

II.

I remember the moment when it happened. Not a second of what had happened during that day, the hours, the minutes before, but the moment itself I remember well. I woke up with the feeling of a stone compressing my chest and my heart was beating so fast as like a galloping horse. All my limbs felt heavy. I tried to move, but it was too hard. Then I realized, that I nearly couldn’t breathe. I tried to take a deep breath, already feeling a lack of oxygen. My chest still felt as if a mountain would press on it. Fear crept through my brain.

The only thought that I had was, that I was in a serious need for help. And that I was alone in the room. To breathe became nearly impossible and caused by that, I was not even able to bring out a word, far less to call for help.

I couldn’t see anything, everything was blurry.

I tried to get up because I started to realize, when I wouldn’t get help very soon, I would be in real danger. Maybe I would die. No chance. My body felt strange, so terribly heavy, numb. I couldn’t do just one single move, as much as I wanted. Panic overwhelmed me. I struggled frantically for air, not able to breathe, feeling my heart that nearly jumped out of my chest.

Then I heard a noise. My terror mingled with a small hope. Thank God, somebody came in. I would survive.

I couldn’t see clear, but I saw a shadow hunched over me, I heard somebody call my name. I tried to say something, unable to move any part of my body and I think that no more then a groan came out of my throat.

The shadow vanished. The lack of oxygen was so intense now, that my senses faded. Nothing happened. I knew instinctively, that the person inside the room must watching me. But nothing happened.

Then, everything got dark and I felt as if I would back out in absolute darkness, at the edge of an endless abyss. I fell. With the absolute certainty, when I would reach the ground, I would be dead. I never reached it, but my fate was already sealed.

III.

The first thing I remember, wondering why I wasn’t smashed on a ground somewhere, was a blazing white light around me. As if I would hang in the middle of a giant stage and masses of enormous floodlights would be directed onto me. I couldn’t see anything. Then, the blinding light disappeared, leaving me in a dimensionless ocean of colors.

The silence around me was absolute. I couldn’t feel anything. Not myself, no warmth, no cold, nothing. It felt as if I was only consciousness, tumbling around like a leaf in a nowhere, soft blowing wind. After some time, I thought to hear voices, far, very far away. And then I saw windows. Holes, snapping open for different periods of time, showing scenes which seemed to show me pictures of the world somewhere outside. I felt nothing, just watching. I saw masses of people, crying, shouting. I saw a white corridor of a hospital for a moment and after some time, my daughter, pressing her face hard on the body of my mother, both crying. I thought for a moment “wow…this is really the strangest dream I ever had”.

Pictures changed. Windows came and disappeared. I had absolutely lost my sense of time and I felt a kind of uncertain fear. What was, when this would never never never end now? I wanted to leave this scary place.

I always believed, that there must be a soulmate for me in this universe, only and unique for me, another soul which belongs to me, which is a part of myself. And as irrational as it seemed to myself, in these timeless, lost moment I wished nothing more than to be next to that soul, feeling save and protected.

During the last months, so hard under pressure and with the most horrifying imaginations about my future and maybe to be killed in mind, in hours of darkest despair, depression and fear, I had often talked with these soul in my mind, asking her, why I never met her, where she was, that time I needed her so urgently.

Now, lost, alone and not knowing what was happening, the wish to be with her grew immeasurable.

„Where are you? Why you don’t come to take me out from this nightmare? You were not there all my life, why you are not here now, when I’m so scared now?“ That were my thoughts.

Another window opened. I saw a woman in a car, driving, listening music, a rural landscape embedded in a colored beautiful sunset.

I had seen her before, short times in other windows, nosy watching her for a while before the picture disappeared again in my color ocean, feeling a deep sympathy for her.

This time something was different. The window disappeared, yes, like always. But the landscape stayed. The woman in the car stayed, and I watched the wonderful sunset as if I would looking over her shoulder, feeling her lively warmth.

And then, I could „hear“ her thoughts. More then surprised, when I realized her calling my name, unspoken, only a thought in her head.

„Mike…you will never see this kind of beauty again….Why you’ve done this to yourself? Why? Why this must have happened to you?“ The language was not english, but I understood every word. I was shocked for a moment. Did she spoke with me? Why? Did she knew me? From where or when? I was sure, that I had never seen her in all my life. Maybe she was a part of my terrifying dream now. I decided to try to speak to her too. I tried that with other people inside all these windows too, but it seemed, that I was invisible for them. If they were able to hear me, what was not always so, they reacted with fear or confusion. But if this was a different situation now, I could try it again.

„Hi! I’m Mike….And to be sincere, I don’t know why I have done something to myself, I even don’t know that I did?“

I saw her stiffen, her eyes went wide and her hands clutched the steering. A totally startled “What????” I could read in her head. Surprise. Woow. Cool. She must have heard me. “It’s nice here, really” I said. “Very beautiful. And I can see it, yes. I can see this beautiful sunset, wonderful colors. Is this Germany?”

I. – She

A Jouney Begins

Asked about, when this absolutely crazy story started for me, it’s difficult to find an answer. Like Mike too, I always believed and felt from the very young age of 16, that there must be this one, special soul, the other part of me, somewhere here in this world. The mistake I did was, that I only searched for this special soul in my surrounding and in my own social environment. Similar he did this mistake too, but he knew much earlier than me, that it was the wrong way.

So it is, looking back, not a big surprise that I did mistakes which I later regretted although I was absolutely sure in the particular situations that I found, what I had been looking for.

Always disregarding, no matter what I knew with the years about soulmates and „other parts“, that, first, it could be possible that it was not destined to meet that person, second, that this person could be anywhere in this world or furthermore, not incarnated, third, that he could live in very different circumstances like me and fourthly, that if I would meet that person, there would be the same love and feeling of belonging together.

So, I wasted many years with the wrong men, always disappointed and not understanding how it could be that the one which I defined as my other part, didn’t feel the same for me and didn’t understand and respect me as I expected.

I was married two times and lived in several longer relationships, hoping to forget about this „other part“ problem. But like a curse, one cannot get rid of, after some time the silent knowledge and the feeling returned that there must be someone who was on the same search like me what always destroyed my relationships. I had have a long time affair with a married man too, being so sure that this must be the one which I wanted, that I refused to see any warning to realize that I was absolutely wrong.

Becoming a 40 year old woman, who destroyed enough in her life with this romantic thoughts and at this time, for me so it seemed, sense- and useless search. I decided to give up and to rearrange my life, starting to follow my long time kept dream to be a natural health professional and to help other people.

My affair lasted, even survived my last marriage, but now without any illusion. There was not the illusion of “being one” anymore and we were only two people, one who was still a little bit in love, and the other one who came to have some nice hours, returning home to his wife again later.

At the beginning of October 2008 I decided, surprising for myself and not really knowing why I did it, to cancel this relationship after eleven years. I wrote a long letter, which was more a love letter then anything else, but with the absolutely clear statement, that I don’t wanted to meet him anymore. I cried a lot the first days after giving him the letter, not understanding myself anymore. Then I calmed down, again surprised, that it haven’t hurt so much as I expected.

But at the end of the month something strange started, what I never had felt in my life before. I got a weird, disturbing pulling in the area of the solar plexus. It wasn’t always there, but sometimes so strong, that I could feel it from the pelvic base to the teeth. An absolute feeling of “something is seriously wrong” and fear. I was confused. First I thought, it might be a nervous reaction, but there was no stress in my life that time and that could also be excluded after some examinations by a doctor. He told me it was nothing physically, so he couldn’t help me. The feeling stayed. And became more, increasing to something like panic attacks. I couldn’t sleep anymore in the night what was never a problem for me before. All my senses were absolutely awake. I felt as an antenna for something what happened somewhere and I didn’t know where or why.

Then, in January 2009, when the strange feeling nearly became unbearable, I thought again about my „other part“ falling in doubts, if I did not made a mistake with my ex boyfriend. I was absolutely sure, that something with him was wrong. More than that, I believed that he must be in a serious danger, fearing for his life. This was the “message”, the feeling was telling me.

I started to search the contact again and when I didn’t get a reply on my Sms, I nearly paniced and how much more I was surprised, when I heard later from him that everything, really everything was ok with him, and that he enjoyed a nice holiday with his wife when I thought to feel that he feared for his life. I was totally confused. And the feeling stayed. Day and night.

II.

The January passed, I started to meet again with my Ex from time to time, but the feeling would never be the same again. There was no love anymore and often I cancelled appointments with him because he started to bore me. Sometimes I thought that it was just a habit to meet him, without any sense. Something had changed. I still puzzled over the strange feeling, which doesn’t wanted to disappear and fought with an unexplainable sleeplessness, always thinking, something must be wrong. But there wasn’t anything wrong, nowhere, as far as I could judge. I tried to concentrate on my work and my studies, hoping that at the beginning of the next year I could leave my hateful job as a night club waitress, having then paid all the remaining debts I had, doing my exams and then, finally, I would have the possibility to open my own office.

I worked hard. My best friend Rosie started to study too, and often we sat together hours by hours, learning and dreaming of a better future.

I earned good money, but the job was horrible. The few hours I worked in the evening were a continuous waiting for insults, lewdness and permanent fight against groping hands. Even the day shift was not better. But I had my plans in mind and I was sure, that I could stand it just for some months.

If I had a free evening and Rosie wasn’t at my place, I tried to relax a little bit, cooking a nice food, Opening one por two bottles of wine, putting the legs up, watching a film or speaking with my cousin on the phone. He was a heavy man, friendly and cozy, and he was often bored in the evenings, sitting alone in his small single appartment 20 kilometer away from my house, watching TV, indulging his hobby, eating and waiting for someone to talk to.

So it was in the evening of the 24th June too. I came home, tired, too lazy to cook, opened a bottle of wine in the kitchen and looked on my PC whether there would be some of my friends to chat with. I tried to reach Rosie on the phone, but just that evening she fell asleep on her sofa. I was bored and thought about it, that normally I would have been in Spain that time, another friend who had a nice house there, invited me and I would have had to pay only the flight. It wasn’t only the money pressure, which brought me to refuse the invitation. I didn’t feel like leaving home, what was odd, considering that my last holiday were years ago. Sometimes fate comes soft-footed from the back to jumble our whole life.

I called my cousin, who was really happy to hear my voice, even when he always didn’t recognize me at the first “hello”. That time, we didn’t speak often, I was always too busy with my affairs. The conversation was like always. Family issues, politics, money and my job. And Ralf could prattle. Hours. Changing the topic at minute intervals without interruption. Mostly, I just listened and often after some time I even didn’t know about he was actually talking.

Around twelve o’clock I had shut down the Pc, not expecting anymore to meet one of my chat friends. They were only few, people which I knew personally and which went to bed early because they all had to work every day very early in the morning. I finished my first bottle of wine and felt sleepy. Ralf talked and talked so that I didn’t really realized it when he said „Hey, they just say in TV that this musician has died. It is said to had been published on a website, wait….”. he told me the name of the page.

„What?“ I said, „who died?“. He repeated the name and asked me, if I could take a look at this website to know what had really happened. I was lazy and tird, opened my second wine bottle at first before I started the Pc again because my cousin begged me again to take a look.

„It’s only said, that he suffered a heart attack and was brought to hospital. Nothing more“ I told my cousin. „I think we will not really know until tomorrow what had really happened“. I wasn’t much interested, celebrities were never interesting for me, even not, when I was a teenager and the most people in my age labelled the walls of their youth rooms with posters of their favorite stars. But not me. I was more interested in people around me, not in a dream boy or man far away, forever unreachable. Even when I had, like others, my favorite bands and songs when I was young, Star cult and being a fan was always a secret for me, which I couldn’t understand.

My cousin started nostalgically to talk about long time gone partys, where they once played the singer’s music. Meanwhile I drank my second bottle of wine, even not knowing how that person looked like. I tried to remember some of the songs whose names my cousin told me. But it was difficult. “No matter” I thought, “just another human being who died. Happens” Even when he was not very old, but that was not something unusual for musicians, to die early. If he was dead, what was not sure at that time.

Around half past three we said good night. Now really tired, I went to bed and fell in a deep and dreamless sleep, without only one thought about the dead singer.

III.

The following day I looked at that gossip news website again. Even if it was not really interesting for me, I was curious what had really happened there. Now they wrote, that the person really died. There was already a suspicion, that the singer had taken drugs, strong medications, and that he might have been killed himself because the pressure of the concerts which he wanted to do very soon was too much for him. There were talks of high debts, financial ruin, medication addiction and a bad physically and psychologically condition.

„Own fault“, I thought. Why these people couldn’t handle their fame…always the same. Suicide or an overdose. How many times that had happen to an artist?

I listened to some of his songs, but that was not my taste. Normally at that point, I should have started to forget it. But it came different.

One day later I had really much stress. I was always in a hurry, ran to manage everything what I had to do. I had to buy benzin, shocked about the high prices as always, and when I stand in the shop of the fuel station, the newest headlines of a boulevard newspaper about the musicians death jumped into my eyes. „Here he is losing his last fight“ the article headed, with a picture of him in an ambulance.

I didn’t really looked at it, but later when I was at home, I couldn’t get this picture out of my head. I was surprised about myself, how much pity I felt for this person, to whom I never even paid any attention before.

In the evening I got again problems with that strange feeling which haunted me now for months. And it became so bad that it nearly drove me crazy. From head to toe it felt as if I would be under electricity.

Restless I wandered through the house, not able to concentrate on anything. And all the time having the pitiful picture on the first page of the newspaper in my mind.

At eleven in the night, I did something, what was absolutely not understandable for myself. I climbed into my car and drove to a 10 kilometer away fuel station to buy that newspaper. I called myself crazy, but I wanted to see that picture again. Immediately. Not tomorrow. Not later. Right that moment. I bought two bottles of wine too, in the hope that the terrible feeling would vanish with drinking a little bit alkohol, even when I had decided before not  to drink that evening.

At home, I drank the two bottles of wine, not getting the singer out of my thoughts. But I couldn’t look at the newspaper. Something scared me deep inside and I laid it under some magazines in a shelf. I don’t wanted to have it around me. I called myself crazy again.

I developed an odd interest in the musician, not understanding why, listening to songs which I don’t liked, reading everything what I could get and watching pictures which I found not very attractive. I called myself silly and thought about it, if I were just catching up on my missed teenager affectations. But why this person? I didn’t know it, hoping that it would pass very soon. The only positive thing was, that in that time, the odd pulling in my body nearly vanished.

One week later I went to bed early, tired from a hard working and learning day. I read a little bit like always, before I switched off the light and fell immediately to sleep. In the middle of the night i woke up again, feeling a need of using the toilet. I hated that, when I had to get up again because of that. I got up, stepped in darkness into the corridor and pressed the light switch. Nothing happened. I pressed the switch again, several times, but it stayed dark. I became nervous. The feeling of another being with me in the corridor became stronger and stronger and I was sure that there was something coming closer and closer to me behind my back. An icy shiver ran through my bones. I wanted to scream, but my throat felt constricted. I started sweating and shivering, sure, that something very scary would touch me very soon, being already very close to me in this absolute darkness.

Just that moment when I nearly paniced, I woke up, starting hectically fumbling for the switch of my night lamp. I pressed the button, and the light went on. I was endlessly relieved. “My God, what a bad dream” I thought…just a second before something hits me hefty in the back between the shoulder blades. I squeaked. A second, stronger stroke hit me and a third one. Screaming I jumped out of the bed, expecting it must be another nightmare. A nightmare in a nightmare. I turned myself around, looking everywhere, frightened to death. I felt the area where I got the strokes in my back paining. There was nothing in the room. And I realized, that I was awake and this was not another dream. I ran into the corridor, switched on the light, which was now working and bustled downstairs and into the kitchen. I trembled at all limbs, when I sat down at the table and lightened a cigarette.

I wished more then anything else that I could have called somebody, but it was five in the night and everybody would be still sleeping. So i made coffee and waited till eight, before I called Rosie, who wasn’t really awake, but picked the phone and listened to me. She was sure, that the strokes which I got were also an imagination, a dream, but I still felt the spot. That wasn’t a dream but I don’t wanted to argue with Rosie, I was just happy that I had reached her.

The next days I couldn’t sleep in my bedroom. I slept two weeks in the living room on the sofa, lights on, TV on and the shutters up, absolutely not knowing what had happened that night.

And not knowing, that the following weeks much more incredible things would happen.

IV .

The strange traction in my body vanished and I was really relieved about that, still thinking about what that odd phenomena could have been, but not afraid anymore that it could be a symptom of a physical sickness after I’d recognized that it couldn’t have been related to my Ex boyfriend, which I more and more shunned. Everything seemed to be quite normal again. Maybe except my strange interest for the dead artist, which hadn’t passed even if I had been so sure that it would disappear very fast when it started because there was not the slightest feeling for him.

I went to work, came home, met Rosie for spending time together, talking and learning, learned alone intensively every day and did a lot of sport, enjoying to run through the green summer forests and the silence of nature around me, what gave me always a feeling of being one with everything and to be on the right way.

I thought a lot about the musician, and I felt more than a faint sorrow for him, which I couldn’t explain myself.

Then came the day, something changed again in a scary way. I was on my way home, driving down one of our rural highways, admiring a wonderful sunset which bathed the next village in golden and red light and gave the few clouds at the sky a dramatic appearance. I was lost in my thoughts about the musician. „Mike…you will never see this kind of beauty again….Why you’ve done this to yourself? Why? Why this must have happened to you?“ I asked inwardly.

And then, an answer appeared in my mind, which was not mine.

„Hi! I’m Mike….And to be sincere, I don’t know why I have done something to myself, I even don’t know that I did?“

„What???“ I thought. What was that? I held the steering tight, I froze. I was confused.

Then again, “It’s nice here, really. Very beautiful. And I can see it, yes. I can see this beautiful sunset, wonderful colors. Is this Germany?”.

I was near to a breakdown. I was absolutely sure, that I didn’t wanted to have this thoughts. My God. Would I start now to create dialogs with this bag of bones? Oh no, please not. What the hell was wrong with me? I listened into myself. Nothing again. I was not really relieved, but I was sure, that this had been a singular incident.

The following weeks would teach me better. That was not a single incident. No. A few days later, when I jogged on my favorite route through a nearby forest, it started again and I had a long and funny monolog about music, dance and how to gain success in my head. And it got a little bit more everyday, about all possible topics and a lot about Mike himself.

„Wonderful, really great“, I thought. „I’m going crazy now. I talk to myself with this fellow“.

V .

On August 6th the situation were already only terrible for me. When I tried something the more than anything else then to get this man out of my head. I thought that I had been always something like a normal person, but these „dialogs“ slowly drove me really crazy. I wanted it to end, immediately. But it didn’t stopped. Sometimes it was away for a while, and like a ghost behind my back, Mike started to talk with me again when I didn’t expected it.

That day was a Thursday and I was the whole day in a hurry because the next morning I wanted to accompany a friend to Erfurt for three days, visit there a classical open air concert there and spend some time in the environment while my friend would visit a political meeting. We wanted to set out very early the next day and so I wanted to try to sleep early. I wasn’t worried it wouldn’t be possible, I was terribly tired.

I laid down around twelve, read some pages of a novel, switched off the light an half hour later and tried to sleep. Tried. Because Mike talked with me.

„No matter, if this is a conversation with myself now or not“ I thought angry „I want to sleep now!! So shut up!!Shut up!!“. Whatever was there in my head didn’t stopped. And asked me for a favour that was so outrageous, that I was awake again from one second to another. I switched on the light. I curled up myself under the blanket and thought only „Go! Please! Go away! Leave me. I will never do that!!! Never!“. I felt something touching me. I crept deeper into the blanket and pulled the pillow over my head. Images what would happen, when I would fulfill this request crawled like nightmares through my mind. „NO!!! Never!!“ that was the only thing I could think.

I squinted my eyes and vowed myself to wait until this insanity was over.

Mike, or whatever it was, begged. Tried to convince. Begged again. Talked and talked and talked, and I was sure that this would be the night I would really going mad. Something touched me again, demanding. It was nearly a painful touch.

After an for me endless time, not far from crying, I gave up. I wouldn’t die when I would do him or my insane mind this favor. But I would have my peace. And could sleep, finally. Then I experienced the most incredible thing ever happened to me. I fainted.

When I opened my eyes, I registered several things. I sweated. Much. My hair was wet and someone drew it, again and again. I felt as I felt as if i had never seen my bedroom. Everything was strange.  I felt fear which felt not being mine. A moan came out of my mouth which I didn’t felt as mine. My chest went up and down as if I would gasp for air. My eyes were watching the room, which still felt strange.

Then my body turned around, without me doing anything. From one second to another I comprehended. My God. That was another dream. That wasn’t possible. No. But I was absolutely too shocked to do anything. This was not me. This was…Mike, and I felt his terror and panic so absolutely as if it would have been my own feelings. „He“ started crying. Screaming. Shaking in all limbs while he propped up “himself” on „his“ elbows, burying „his“ head between „his“ arms. I just watched. Myself, terrified but also fascinated. No, I was awake and this just happened, that was sure. I don’t know how much time passed while I just felt Mike. „His“ moves. His emotional confusion, which was so absolute and despaired I’ve never seen at a human being in my life before.

I started to become afraid, that this condition would never end again now. That I, he, would be caught forever in this way now. I tried to move myself. And it went. Nobody can imagine my relief. I tried to speak. “Mike?” No reply. But the sobbing stopped and my head went up without my will, my lungs again gasping for breath as if they couldn’t never breathe never again.

I felt peculiar calm. „Mike…you have to give me my body back“. If I would have been able to see him, I would have thought „like a wild animal, wounded to death“. Another endless time passed and I desired so much to say something, but my head was totally empty. Then, „Mike“ turned himself to set aside. The same moment I was myself again.

I I stood up, my legs were shaking. Now I gasped for breath. What in heaven’s sake had happened here? That was impossible what I had just experienced. Something like that was only reality in books, but not here, in my bedroom, with me. And not with this person, which I never knew, in which I was never interested, that man who was so ugly for me…and who felt so oddly familiar now.

I went downstairs, lighted a cigarette and sat down in the kitchen, totally confused. „Mike?“ No reply. I looked at the clock. Five in the morning. In three hours Dieter would pick me up. Suddenly I felt tired like never in my life before. I returned to my bedroom, fell into my bed and just a second before I was asleep I heard a silent thought in my mind „Sorry…Sorry…I haven’t known what would happen…Forgive me….please“.

VI.

Dieter picked me up, as promised, at eight. I was a little bit late, I nearly overslept, not hearing my alarm clock immediately. I felt, like a elephant had ran over me and wasn’t really able to keep my eyes open. But I tried to smile. I don’t wanted, that Dieter saw in any way that something was not ok. Dieter was in the best mood, happy that I would come with him. The first half hour on the road we still talked, but when we turned off on the freeway, we both fell silent. I looked at the landscape which flew fast past at my side window. We could expect a wonderful and sunny summer day…and I felt like I could only sleep for three days.

Since I got up, there hadn’t been any „voice“ in my head. Silence. I listened into myself. Nothing. I felt a wave of relieve, high as a Tsunami. „Thank god, it’s gone“ I thought. „I’m ok again. This craziness has ended“.
I thought about all the incidents of the last weeks. Crazy. That was the only word I could find for it. Why? Why all this came over me, unexpected and over all absolutely without any reason? And why this terrible experience last night, all this fear, this confusion….and now it was vanished? My head was full with a mountain of unanswered questions. The first over all was: Why this man, which I don’t liked, which I haven’t known and in which I was never interested in, even not in his music?

No matter how I long I thought about it, I couldn’t find any explanation. I closed my eyes and leaned back. Maybe I could sleep for a moment while we were travelling what would take nearly three hours. I dawned away, listening to the wheels on the road and the sound of the wind.

„Maybe…you should leave the freeway…“.

Oh no. I opened my eyes, sat up, listened again, but now inside of me. „Something will happen“. The voice in my head was back. I breathed a silent sigh. „Okay. So, why we should leave the freeway?“ I asked back in my mind. Wounderful. Again self conversations. The answer came immediately. „I cannot tell you when or why, but I know that something will happen on this road. And I don’t want that something happen to you“. I looked at Dieter, who drove fast, we were late already. „What should I do now in your opinion?“ I asked. „Tell him that you have a bad feeling. Tell him he should leave this road“. Mike really begged.Again and again. I thought hard about it. And then I told Dieter about „my“ fears. He ignored them, telling me, that we have to hurry and that he cannot see any reason to leave the road. It wasn’t much traffic and the weather was wonderful.

I tried too, to ignore Mike, but it wasn’t possible so that I spent the rest of our journey totally stressed, expecting every moment the worst. But nothing happened and when we arrived at the hotel finally, I was only angry with myself. How could I believe in conversations which I created by myself in my head? We brought the luggage upstairs, we had a small double bedroom on the second floor. When we entered the room and laid the bags on the bed, I felt a strange feeling of surprise and shock inside, which absolutely didn’t belonged to me. „You…you sleep with him in one bed???“ Mike. Oh my godness, would that have an end one day? „No. I can hear your thoughts. …But that was not the topic…You both sleep in one bed?“ he asked. „Yes. And I don’t think, that this is your problem. Not YOURS, whatever or whoever you are!“ I snapped back while I put my toiletry kit into the bathroom.

„Should we go and eat something?“ Dieter asked. I agreed and started to change my clothes to something a little bit more elegant and put on some make-up while I felt Mike uncomprehendingly mumbling something like „I don’t like that..No. That is not ok. I don’t like. He will try to touch you. I really really don’t like that“. I tried again to ignore him. Maybe. Maybe Dieter would try that, I knew that he was a little bit in love with me since we knew from my work. Mike knew that too. And he’d expressed it very direct, what he thought about my work. He hated it. What brought me only to think about it, why I suddenly couldn’t stand my job anymore, indeed hated it so extremely, even though I knew after all that I would stay there only for a short time.

And then…I wasn’t really sure anymore if all these feelings and thoughts were really mine. Whether everything was only an imagination. Mike was so different from me. He told me so many things, I was sure that I would have never thought of them. His opinions were not mine. He had moods which were not mine. And I couldn’t control whether he was „there“ or not.

We drove to Weimar, where Dieter wanted to chose a good restaurant for us and do a little walk to show me the historical city where Schiller, Goethe, Herder and Liszt lived. I felt that Mike was still sulking. Even when we started our sightseeing, he was quiet. Only when we visited a book store which was still open late I could feel a kind of interest. We walked around nearly two hours before we could be happy to get a place at an outside table of a restaurant. We shared the table for a while with a couple from Austria but we had luck and they left soon. Mike pushed me a little bit. That was another odd thing. Sometimes I felt something pushing me softly or touching me so feathery that I always got the creeps. „Can you please take a red wine…?“ he begged. I was surprised. „Eh? Why I should do that, I don’t like red wine“. „But you could do it for me. Maybe…maybe I can experience it a little bit through you….Taste it, you know?…You could do it for me….And…maybe you can try a dish without meat..?“. I was confused, not sure what to do and surely I exactly looked like that. Dieter, who watched my face, lifted his eyebrows, an unspoken question whether something was wrong.

„What a nonsense“ I thought, sending a bright smile to Dieter. „Ehh…I would like to have this dish…“, I pointed on the menue card, „and an…ehmm…Merlot please“. Dieter looked at me with surprise. „Haven’t you told me, that you don’t like red wine?“. I smiled again my brightest smile. „Maybe…but sometimes I can do an exception, or?“ I cannot remember how long we stayed in that restaurant. But I know that I drank a lot of Merlot. Really a lot of Merlot. I remember that Mike talked with me all the time and that I tried to talk with Dieter. I know that I talked with him about Mike too. And that we watched a video about Mike when we were back in the hotel. I know that Mike wanted me to sleep at the other end of the bed, at the most possible far point from Dieter. And that I was so terribly drunken I hadn’t been for a long time.The next day I overslept terribly. Dieter was gone for a long time to the event he wanted to visit when I woke up with a terrible headache. I crept into the bathroom and took a long shower, thinking about it, why for heaven’s sake I did that the evening before. „Because it was my wish…And I have to say thank you…yes. I have to say thank you“ said Mike. „You know that you nearly killed me, made me laughable in front of Dieter and that you ruined this day for me now?“ I was really angry.„Please…forgive me. You’ve done it for me, yeah, and that was great. It was such a nice evening. And you know what? I could taste everything with you…Isn’t that cool?“ He seemed really happy. I was confused again. „You can what? Taste food and wine with me? Sorry…that is too crazy!“ I was amused. „But it’s true…really really! I don’t understand too how that is working…but it’s so!“.
I dressed up. Dieter had left me a note and his car key, so that I could follow him when I would have slept it off. „Ok…you can taste, what I eat and drink, that’s what you wanted to say??“ I asked. „Yes…I can do that…And I can see, what you see…and feel what you feel..That’s why I hate it when someone is touching you….“. I said nothing. I didn’t know what to say. That was something so incredible what he’d just told me right now, that I was only speechless. I left the hotel and drove to the conference hall. I needed some time to find a parking place and Dieter, it was very full. But I was also happy that I had some kind of distraction. Politically interested, I was happy that I could visit such an internal event and I was proud too, as a skilled photographer, that I got a press card and could take some pictures. Mike, for his part, was terribly bored and happy when the conference ended and we could leave. We went back to the hotel to prepare for the concert we wanted to visit that evening. I prayed in silence, that this evening everything would be normal and I wouldn’t experience any surprises with Mike. He too was excited about the open air concert, Carl Orff’s Carmina Burana, which he said, he likes a lot. Everybody was happy and relaxed, when we left to drive to the inner city of Erfurt where the festival would take place on the outside stairs of the cathedral. And again everything came very different as I thought.

We were much earlier in the city than the concert started, it was just early afternoon and we used the time to look a little bit around, thinking about it if we should take a drink somewhere but it was full everywhere. Mike, as I felt it, looked around, examining everything, and if I could have see him, I would have said that he watched all around us with a childish curiosity. For me, I would have been glad if we could have sit inside somewhere for a while because my eyes were a little bit sore and I couldn’t remove the sunglasses without the bright light hurting me. A huge book store became my refuge after we watched the sights of the inner city of Erfurt. And it was an interesting place for Mike too. He seemed to love books, especially books about arts and other artists. And he wanted to see, which books were there about himself. Maybe it was not as much as he expected and he was a little bit disappointed and when I took a book which his father had written, he got nearly furious. „Put this down! I don’t want you to read that! Don’t buy…please!“. I don’t wanted to buy it, I just wanted look a little bit what was written there. But Mike even don’t wanted that. I must have stood there as a statue, the book in my hands, looking nowhere, just listening inside me. Listening to an angry and despaired Mike. Dieter tapped gently on my shoulder. „You want to buy this?“ he asked. I turned around, maybe a little bit too fast, startled and confused. „Ehhh…no…No“. I put the book back to the shelf, from where I took it. We left the book store. Walking side by side, I felt Dieter watching me. I kept my view straight and did, like I wouldn’t see his look. He took my hand to stop me. „What was wrong there?“ he asked me. „I cannot tell you…Please, I don’t want to speak about it“. I tried to shirk from his question. He looked at me seriously. „Dear…I feel it since yesterday that something is wrong…We are friends…You don’t want to tell me?“ he still held my hand tight. „I cannot. Please“. I looked to the ground. „What was wrong with this book? You looked so confused“ he asked. I looked up into his eyes and tried to remove my hand from his one. I thought just one second about it, whether I could trust him or not, then I said „I shouldn’t buy and even not read that book“. He looked at me, surprised. „I don’t understand…You shouldn’t…? Why?“ He dropped my hand and I crossed my arms in front of my chest. Would I really could trust him? I looked into his eyes. Okay. „Someone told me that. That I should not buy or read this book. Mike told me that. THAT Mike“. His eyes widened. „That Mike?….Dear…You are sure, that you are ok?“. His eyes widened. „That Mike?….Dear…You are sure, that you are ok?“. That was, what I had expected. Exactly that question. Now he would think, that I went totally crazy. „I AM ok!“ I said a little bit too loud. „“Let’s go and sit down somewhere…I will try to explain to you“. I left him standing there in surprise and went towards a small café near to us where a few places seemed to be free inside. We sat there for nearly two hours while I tried to explain to Dieter, what had happened all that weeks before, all these strange, scary, odd things. My doubts. In a way, I was happy that I could talk with him about it. I’d tried it with Rosie before, but she was just distanced, thinking that all that was just a whim of me which would pass very soon. She had a lot of mental problems before, and she’d told me that she have seen things like that before, but she thought that it was a just momentarily mental problem for me too. The phrase, that she would know things like that, I had interpreted fatally wrong, as the future would show. But that came later. At that moment I just thought about it, whether Dieter would really understand what had happened to me, when he told me that he too knew things like that, even when a little bit different, but contacts with ghosts. I told him everything about the incident with the wine and the food the evening before too, and I felt much better, when he started to laugh, sincere and without any air of condescension. „That’s very interesting! When we have time, you’ve to tell me everything about it“. He looked into my eyes. „ Hi, Mike….Nice to meet you…“ he said.

We went back to the cathedral very quiet. Everybody was lost in his own thoughts. On the market place in front of the festival area were already a lot of people. Mike still looked around curious.
He discovered an ice cream stand and wanted one, a big one and I bought it for him, even if I don’t wanted one that moment. He was happy. While I ate the ice cream, more Mike than me, with absolute pleasure and a lot of spilling, what lifted Dieter’s eyebrows again up, we saw the singers and dancers crossing the place to vanish through the artists’ entrance. The concert would start very soon. But it started to rain a little bit too. It was dark already but we looked up to the sky. „I hope that they can perform….“ Dieter said. I hoped that too. The concert was one of the reasons, why I came along with Dieter and I had really looked forward to it.

We went to queue up, waited a while before it was ok that we could go in and found our place in the middle of the grand stand near the exit. It started to rain more, but trying to ignore that, the artists started with their great show. It was really amazing, even when the rain was now a cloudburst. They endured the bad weather with adorable courage, until the first dancer fell on the slippy wet ground. The concert was over after 40 minutes. Disappointed we tried to get out of the area, sandwiched between too many people and umbrellas. Dieter, me and also Mike were really sad about this abrupt end of that event we were so happy to attend.

Outside, everybody tried to get a table inside the surrounding restaurants. We had more than luck and snatched a table in a nice italian restaurant, with comfortable armchairs and a calming atmosphere between all the rushing people around us. We leaned back, happy that we got this nice place. I looked at Dieter, who smiled back and handed the menu card to me. „Tonight, surely no red wine party!“ I laughed, checking the card. Ok…something vegetarian…but NO red wine. I ordered a fresh Frizzantino and a salad, Dieter ordered a beer and a beef steak.

We talked about it, how sad it was, that the festival must have been ended so suddenly because of the rain, when the waitress came with the drinks. She served Dieter the beer, put my Frizzantino in front of me…and then asked: „ And who gets the Merlot?“

Dieter and me looked at each other in total surprise. Which Merlot? We never ordered a Merlot. „Sorry, but we haven’t ordered a Merlot“ I said to the waitress. She shook her head. „According to your order, there is a Merlot for this table. My colleague wrote it down“. She looked surprised now too. I felt something like a hot wave, creeping from my stomach to my head and I’m sure that I blushed terribly. Not because of the woman, who was more and more confused, while Dieter tried to explain her again, that we really haven’t ordered a red wine. I felt this sudden heat because I really recognized what had happened. „No red-wine-partys today!!“ That’s what I had said to Dieter just two hours ago, jokingly. With full intention I had ordered a white wine for me. Now, there was that waitress, with another one. A red one. A Merlot. The same wine we drank the day before. How could that be? Coincidence? Why? Just right now? I heard a silent giggling in my mind. „Wooow…that’s so funny! Great! Hahaha..“. Very funny, I thought. I looked to the waitress and said „Please, it’s ok. Leave the wine here. I think, it’s alright“. „I can take it back, no problem“. I took a glance to Dieter, who grinned broadly, guessing what was going through my head. The waitress placed the Merlot on the table and left with a shrug. Dieter and me looked at each other. „That’s incredible…isn’t it? You think…he did that?“ he asked. I didn’t know. But that was the question I asked myself too before. Before the giggling in my head started. Mike found it absolutely amusing and he couldn’t stop to laugh. „I don’t know how or if I’ve done that…but it’s great, so great…hahaha..“. Dieter raised his beer „Cheers, and congrats to this clever way to get a red wine…Mike!“ he said with a big smile. Mike said to me „Tell him thank you! Cheers too“ and laughed again. I guess I made a face like ten days rain and told Dieter, what Mike said. Dieter smiled. Mike seemed to smile. And I was only confused and scared. I heard a voice in my head. Not only any voice. The voice from that person. Talking to me jumbling German and English, making fun, laughing, explaining, wondering, sometimes astonished himself about what happened. How, how could that be only an imagination of mine? The things he talked about, were absolutely not my topics. HE was not my topic. And HOW the thing with the wine could happen, just as it happened? I talked the rest of the evening with Dieter about it. He too was clueless but found it very interesting and quite possible, that things like that could happen. I was absolutely not sure. Not, that I could not believe in spiritual things. But as it is, when we are concerned ourselves with something like that, it is much much more difficult to accept. I was still absolutely not sure that there couldn’t be a mental problem for me. What was clear was, that neither Dieter, nor me really knew what was really going on and how things would develop in the following months and weeks. While we discussed and ate, me again a vegetarian dish for which I was begged like the day before, Mike, however he did that, enjoyed Merlot. Again a lot of Merlot, and when we drove back to the hotel, my only wish was to sleep for the next days and maybe longer.

The next morning wasn’t so terrible like the morning the day before. I took a shower and went downstairs for breakfast. Dieter was already there, he’d left the room when I woke up because he would go to the party conference again. I don’t wanted to accompany him that day, I had planned the evening before to explore the surrounding and Mike had begged me, after finding a flyer in the hotel lobby to visit a nearby zoo. I fulfilled him his wish and we drove there, walked around for almost three hours and returned then back to the hotel in the early afternoon to drive home with Dieter. Mike was a little bit disappointed because a lot of cages in the zoo had been empty and the ape house was closed because of renovation works. But despite of this, he was happy. We’d watched some tired and lazy lions for a long time, laughed about some playing suricat and were fascinated by some huge exotic spiders and colorful lizards which, as Mike remarked, would look a little bit like him to make me laugh. We laughed a lot during this visit, even when it was quiet and only in my head. Before we had left the zoo, we had eaten a big icecream and sat down for a while watching the proud flamingos with their wonderful pink color. It was my first visit in a zoo for decades, I felt young and free and I was happy too. It had been a wonderful day, spent with a ghost, about which I not even had known if he was real or not.

Chapter III.

Staying alive

She

I.

The way home from Erfurt was very quiet, at least for the first 150 km, when we suddenly heard a hard bang not far in front of us and the traffic on the freeway stopped quickly. It was a little bit chaotic, cars tried to change the road track, hazard lights went on and horns sounded everywhere. There must have been an accident, directly in front of us. I thought about it, that Mike had told me two days before, that we shouldn’t take the freeway because something might happen and when I looked to Dieter on my left, I knew that he just thought the same, but we both didn’t say anything.

We had to wait for nearly one hour, before we could pass the scene of the accident. Ambulances, police and fire service had already arrived and the place looked horrible. Some of the crashed cars were beyond recognition that they were cars before and I don’t wanted to think about the people who were inside before. It was a tragedy. „And two minutes earlier…we would have been in the middle of this disaster…“ I thought. „I told you, that something would happen…but that I don’t know where and when…“ Mike said. Dieter intently watched the street. „We had really luck, hadn’t we?“ he asked. „Funny, that your ghost saw something like that coming…but maybe it’s coincidence. Yes. It’s a real funny coincidence“. Yes. That was it. Only a funny coincidence. We drove for a while, I listened to the radio. Then, the news. When came the traffic service, I stiffened in my seat.

Half an hour had passed, since the accident happened directly in front of us. Now they said, that just 5 km behind us another terrible accident happened with dead people expected. I felt cold. Dieter made a serious glance to me. “Coincidence again, eh?” I looked back to him. “we had have luck, you know that?” I said. I felt Mike smiling…and being relieved. Nothing would happen again on the rest of this journey.

When we reached my house late in the evening, Dieter came in with me for a coffee, before he would drive home. We sat opposite one another at the kitchen table, both very quiet, looking at each other. “That was a very interesting weekend…..” Dieter said. I started to apologize immediately. “I’m so sorry….I can understand, that you think now, that I’m crazy…It was just…”. What was it? An imagination? A strange obsession? A very serious mental problem? I felt helpless not finding the right words. Dieter smiled to me. „Don’t worry…I don’t think, that you are crazy…I know about things like that. It’s just not easy…..to experience that oneself…It’s so fascinating…and…you got a very special person…yes…It’s amazing. That it’s HIM“. Mike grinned in my head. I felt tired. And confused. I haven’t known that moment, that we would hear this sentence so often later….followed by terrible disappointments, which often enough would break Mike’s heart. But who would believe „something“ like him?

II.

The next day was very quiet. I went to work as always, came home late as always and were tired as always. I had bought wine on the way back home and I hoped that I could sleep early, without a talking and talking and talking Mike in my head. He was very quiet the whole day and sometimes I had asked me, if he was still there or if the spook had ended finally. I opened the wine, put a pizza into the oven and called my cousin to have a little bit distraction, but as always, Ralf bored me first with his fast changing topics until we talked about what had happened to me during the passed weekend and he was really fascinated. I would have never thought, that he would believe me, but he did, and it was good that I could talk with someone about it. And I talked and talked, like a waterfall because I was so confused about everything. And I drank the wine, to my own surprise much too fast, so that I was a little bit dizzy after the first bottle. I excused myself to Ralf and stumbled to the toilet. „Oh my God…I’m drunken…again!!“ I thought. When I wanted to leave the bathroom, I was so confused, that I turned off the light before I openend the door. And then I strucked in awe. Directly in front of me was light…not light..a shine in the total darkness of the room. With the shape of a human being. I wanted to scream, but something inside of me said“ NO!!!! Don’t move!!! What you are seeing here is the most amazing thing you’ll ever see!!! Just look and don’t do anything!!!“.

So I stood there, and watched that wonderful bright shine and as longer I stood there, I was more sure that this wasn’t a halluzination. And for that, one bottle of wine wouldn’t have been enough too.

Month later, I would hold an Aura photography from this vision in my hands. Together with the one of my own Aura, changing from second to second. At that moment I just even couldn’t believe, what I had seen when the light disappeared and I opened the door to the corridor, confused, more than ever in my life before.

III.

In that night, I drank definitively too much and in the morning of the following tuesday I woke up with a bad headache which vanished only when I had taken two aspirin and drank a whole pot of coffee. I’d never drunk so much alcohol i in my life and I was shocked and felt bad about the development of the last few weeks. What was wrong with me ? I heard a silent „sorry…“ somewhere in my head and felt a feeling of shame and regret. „I don’t want to do this, I don’t want…But I’m so confused. This is such a bad dream, yes, such a bad dream….I saw people, you know…people crying, and I think, they cried because of me…because I’m dead….I saw my mother crying, holding my crying daughter at her chest…yes. Wow, it’s a bad dream. And then, why I find you now here in a dream..? I think, I dreamed about you before, but that was so different…and not so real, so so real as this now..I wanna wake up…You think, I’ll wake up soon? I don’t want to leave you again…But I wish, I would wake up soon from this nightmare“.

I tried to concentrate. I would have to work in the afternoon and I don’t wanted, that this insanity would prevent me from that. I cleaned the flat a little bit and started to prepare myself for work, going to take a shower first to remove the last traces of that terrible night. The hot water felt wonderful and I used a lot of soap as if i wanted to remove something really dirty from my skin, something what left a terrible feeling of inadequacy inside which I really couldn’t need in my difficult situation anyhow.

„The water…the water feels so real…so good. You know, how good it feels?“ Oh no. The insanity was still there. „Go away! GO away!!“ I shouted in my thoughts. „But it feels good…Sorry, that I’ve said that..Please, you can stay a little bit longer under the shower and let me feel it? Please…“ My answer was „No“ and I just wanted to off the water, when the world around me disappeared and I fell into darkness. I fainted, from one second to another.

I don’t know how much time had passed when I opened my eyes again. I felt terrible, realizing that I was sitting in a corner of the shower, the hot water still running over my body, shaking in all limbs and „something“ tried to tear out bunches of my hair. The room seemed strange to me and when I wanted to stop tearing out my hair, I couldn’t. I wanted to scream, but instead, an uncontrollable sobbing came out of my mouth, the the shaking became more and tears started to run from my eyes. I felt a growing panic, everything was absolutely out of control. The condition was nearly the same like on the friday night before we travelled to Erfurt and I was so afraid like never bevore in my life. This was real, it wasn’t a bad dream.

The sobbing and crying continued and it felt for like eternity before I was able again to move myself. I turned off the water, still trembling, gasping for breath and crept out of the shower. I couldn’t think, I was still near to a panic. I stood up, wrapped myself into a big towel and sat down on the rim of the bath tub. What had that been? What had happened here? I was totally under shock. “It was me…sorry…sorry…Please forgive me..I just wanted to feel the water..only that. But…You know what? I can use your body…I can move it!!Woow..I can move it…Sorry…I don’t wanted to frighten you..But I can do it…I can be here, and move…with your body!And I felt the water! Incredible…”. Again a sob in my head. No. No, all this was too crazy! “Never, never NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!” I shouted, loud, really loud. „Sorry…really, I don’t wanted to scare you…really not. It…just happened, I don’t know how..“. The voice in my head was much more rueful. I nearly screamed replying “Never do that again, whatever you are and whatever you want from me! You frightened me to death! Go away! Just leave me! i don’t want you! You are terrible! I don’t want you!”.

Still shivering, I tried to put on a shirt and sweatpants, and faltered to the kitchen. I needed a coffee, and someone to talk to. I only wanted to escape from this craziness. To go to work in this condition, I could forget. I was too shocked, understanding nothing except that something was seriously wrong with me. I called Rosie and she offered me to come to her house to talk about it. I was not able to tell her on the phone what had happened and I was happy that I could leave that horror house.

But when I arrived at her home, she had already a visitor which I knew too. I was totally disappointed, because now, I had to play that everything was ok and doing some smalltalk with them both. I was absolutely not in the mood for something like that and so I left soon, telling Rosie that she should call me later. What she did in the evening, but just to rant about her own problems. That I had really needed her in the afternoon because something absolutely unbelievable had happened to me, she had forgotten.

IV.

The rest of the day I spent with thinking, without coming to any conclusion. Why all this, so suddenly, without forewarning and without any reason. Why me and moreover, why him? Why this human being I had never paid attention to, about which I never cared in my life before? I tried to stop the conversation with him in my head, without any success no matter how much I wanted it. He told me, that he was with me only for the reason because he had just called for his „other part“, his soulmate. That this were the place, where he wanted to be, and so, here he was.

Fantastic. Here he was. As if that would be the most normal thing in the world, that I was talking with someone who was dead and who was never interesting for me, which I even had never liked, far away from loving this person. And as if it would be the easiest and most normal thing to accept that this dead person claimed to be my „other part“, my soulmate. I was absolutely sure, that I was on the best way to go crazy.

In the evening, Rosie called me again and this time she managed it to ask me why I were white as a wall in the morning. I told her what had happened but the only advice she had for me was, to try to sleep early because she was sure that I was just a little bit overworked. And, I should not forget that I wanted to bring her to her doctor the next morning. Then she changed the topic, again talking about her problems with her husband who was a alcoholic and was just once again in the hospital that time.

I listened patiently to her, as a good friend do and and after two hours of discussion I begged her again to file for divorce because that was, in my opinion, the only way out of a situation which was characterized by abuse, violence and humiliation. I had little hope, that she would listen but I still hoped that one day she would open her eyes after he tried to kill her not long ago.

We ended the conversation very late, me with the promise to pick her in time, she with the promise to think about a divorce. I knew that I wouldn’t sleep until morning, as usual since Mike was here. He would talk and talk and talk. About himself. With luck he wouldn’t force me to look for something about him in the net and he wouldn’t cry.

I had slept only two hours when I picked Rosie and brought her to the doctor. Normally she would have driven by herself, but her car was broken and in the garage of a friend to repair it. That morning, Mike took control over me with intention the first time. I even haven’t noticed that, but on the middle of the way, Rosie nearly screamed in fear and asked me to please drive more slowly. Now she was white like a wall. I heard Mike who laughed in my head. And then my foot pressed the gas pedal again a little bit deeper. The radio was much louder than I had noticed before. I tried to get back control, but no way. My small VW Polo, which was just a toy car or a gocart in Mike’s opinion, darted through the next sharp curve of the narrow country road which are so typical for our area. Rosie screamed again and me, without saying anything loud, screamed in my head too “Stop!!! Mike, that is not funny!!! Stop it!!” But he just giggled and laughed, using the car like a race car without any possibility for me to stop him. Everything was out of my control and me, too, was only terrified. When we reached the doctor’s office Rosie said, that she would prefer it to go back with a taxi. But after all we picked her later, with the promise of Mike that he wouldn’t do that again. Rosie and me don’t talked about that what had happened in the morning, but when we drove back to her house I saw it in her eyes, what she thought. And the first time of many following times and occasions I really begged Mike inwardly please, please not to bring me in serious difficulties. Not thinking about it, that I was already talking seriously with „something“ which was, at that point, in my opinion, only a crazy imagination of myself.

V.

Looking back, the following weeks was just something I can only describe as a total chaos. I, we haven’t written down everything minutely detailed, so I’ve to try to remember all that, what had happened especially at the end of that year 2009. It was so much. In the middle of August, we watched the first time the official memorial for Mike, which we have never seen completely, except of a few extracts, until today because he cannot stand it. But on the other side, we were on the way through the internet all the time, in the morning and especially in the nights, as if Mike was on a discovery search about himself. That time he noticed that he had forgotten his life. Not himself, he was absolutely sure who he was, but his life. And his music. One day, he stood in front of my piano, which was a present from my mother years before in the hope that I would learn it, what I never did. He stood there, quiet, a long time only watching the instrument and then, with a shaking hand, which was normal for his condition that time, he pressed the keys down very slowly, nearly afraid. And when he heard the sound, he started to cry, so painful, that it broke my heart. He had forgotten how to play it. Later I learned the he never played an instrument really good, his only instrument was his voice, even when he was able to play the piano moderately before. He vowed that day, never to touch the piano again, never to try to make music again but on the other side I knew already how much he wished exactly that. So I was sure that he would try it again, what he did even when it would become a hard way for us both. But a wonderful and exciting one too, but that was much later.

The following two month were fight. Fight with Mike, who wanted me to believe him with might and main, and with my doubts about whether all this wasn’t the beginning of a galloping insanity. Fight for Mike, who tried to get familiar with my body to use it what ended most of the time with something broken and a terrible shaking in all limbs which was also noticed by some of my friends, which not all tried to understand and to listen to what I myself thought about it. I don’t know how I would have reacted, if one of them would have confronted me with that , what I asked them to understand, but I can understood their reaction. A little bit. We would have to make very disappointing experiences. And not only Mike was, as he had always been, much too trustful and naive, in a way, I was that at that time too. Also because I couldn’t handle the situation alone, I needed people to talk about it. In many cases, and still today sometimes, especially for Mike, this inner need to share what had happened was a big mistake what he had regretted many times because he was only left hurt at the end.

He hadn’t only forgotten his life, he had also forgotten how to live. He had lost every feeling for the needs of a physical body. He didn’t needed sleep, so he didn’t let me sleep. He forgot eating. And drinking, concerned to normal drinks. To alcohol, he developed a very unhealthy friendship which nearly killed me but helped him to push me “away” and do the things he wanted to do.

In the daytime, he was nearly cringing, he begged for everything and was very sweet to convince me to allow him things. But in the night, he did what he wanted, begging first for a little bit wine and after some time and at some point, everything was out of control.

He cried, screamed and hurt me by beating against the furniture. He wrote emails to former friends, wondering why they didn’t reply, what thank God no one of them ever did. They would have just told ME, that I’m a maniac.

The day, I started to stop all this a little bit was, when I got up one morning, not even feeling bad or sick, noticing the two empty bottles of wine on the sink and then, opening the fridge, to find there an empty bottle of vodka.

I was shocked. Could that be true? Had I, me, who never drank much and especially no hard alcoholics, drunk that whole bottle? Mike was silent. Very silent. I knew, that Rosie had left some bottles of vodka in my house to hide them from her husband. But I would have never touched them, because I hated this kind of drink. And now, there was a nearly empty bottle of it in the fridge.

I felt rage. Real, hot and deep rage. “No dear… you will not continue doing this to me” I thought. Mike was still quiet. He knew very well what he had done. I went to the cellar and checked the bottles, Rosie put there. Three were missing, which I found later hidden in the storeroom. Naturally empty. I took the other ones and emptied them out in the sink. This was too much for me and I really shouted at Mike. „Are you CRAAAZY? You want to kill me? You want to destroy my life? Do you think, you can do with me, what you want? All this, only to push me away and then you can do what you like, eh? Where should this end? Not only that you are writing stupid letters then, you don’t let me sleep, you use my body and you destroy my health!“

I felt Mike ducking and starting to cry. That was not only a feeling of crying, no, I, me, felt tears which ran down my cheeks. A despaired squeak came from my throat. That time, Mike couldn’t speak because I was not able to allow that. He, and with him me, started to shiver, as he always do when something really hurts him and he is excited in a negative way. Again. „Sorry…sorry…I was mindless, sorry…I promise, really, I promise, I will never do that again to you…I love you! I promise“. I felt that he was really ashamed, but more that I’ve noticed what he had done than about that, what it would cause if he would go on with this behavior. But as I said, he had lost the feeling for “live”, and it would take a long time before he was able to feel the needs of this body which he wanted to share with me. I said nothing again that day, I was just totally angry, but I denied it the following days to buy wine, no matter, how much he begged. Instead I bought beer, which I knew he never liked. And indeed, it became a little bit better for a while.

VI.

As always in life, bad and sad memories alternate with wonderful and sweet ones. One of those from this time was, to go shopping, even when it was a very expensive time. for a long time, Mike couldn’t really realize and understand, that people couldn’t see him anymore. He don’t wanted to go out, he had a downright aversion to leave the house. When it was not possible to avoid it anymore to go out, his only thought was, to go home as fast as it was possible. He wanted to duck himself, expecting that everybody must see him. What was totally irrational, but that was, what he felt. Everybody must see him. It took a little bit until he felt a little bit save, like in a good disguise, but the fear to be visible for the people around us came often back. On the other side, Mike loves shopping. And to go through a supermarket, unseen, and to look all and everything with peace and to chose the things, normal things like food and what we need for our life, was a real pleasure for him. The only problem was, that when he wanted something, he wanted it. No matter, whether the money was there or whether we really needed it. And that time, he denied it strictly to eat meat, or better to allow me to eat it. And that was expensive, as he himself was expensive too. When we went into the city, there was always something what he wanted to buy. When we went into the city, there was always something what he wanted to buy. He watched everything with big, shining children’s eyes (If I could have seen him), happy, not thinking anymore, and no shop for clothing or a book store was save of him. And then, he don’t wanted to go, before I hadn’t bought something, even when it was only something small and absolutely useless.

One of the first of these never forgotten memories was his birthday. Meanwhile, after seeing himself all the hype around the memorial and reading all the news around him, he was now aware that all wasn’t only a bad dream. He would never wake up again, that was clear for him now and the nights he cried and screamed were so terrible that I better don’t want to remember. On his birthday, he was already sad the day before, because there wouldn’t be a birthday party. Everyone who had known him before would be sad that day. No one would say „happy birthday“ to him, except me. But I tried to give him a little bit solace by promising, that I would something special, what we could do that day. The first thing was, that I took a free day, what made him already a little bit happy, because he really hated my job, what would escalate with the beginning of 2010, after we returned from London.

We thought both hard about it, what we could do on that day. After Rosie heard, that I would stay that day at home, she quickly rushed to my house. She had again problems with her studies and I should help her. Mike was absolutely frustrated about that, because when he wanted something, then not a Rosie who would talk the whole afternoon about her math and german problems. Rosie didn’t cared about it, what was with Mike. While he started to really like her and to do everything to get her friendship because she reminded him to a dear friend which he had before, she was still indifferent. One day she told me, that I should not worry, she would know that things like that are possible and she would like Mike, another day she tried to convince me that I needed medical help and that Mike was always an ugly and terrible person for her.

Mike was more and more down. Than he proposed, that he could cook something. “You? You want to cook?” I was surprised. He was a little bit piqued. “Surely! You think, I cannot cook? I think, I could try to make a fine indian dish…You would like?”. He asked Rosie, whether she would like it, when he would cook something. For her, it doesn’t mattered, but she said, if he would like, he could do that. I have to insert, that at that time, Mike already spoke. With me. With a horrible accent and a terrible German, what was sometimes a little bit embarrassing for me, but I had allowed im that with the ones who knew him already, which were only two people, Rosie and Dieter. So that afternoon I drove with Mike to the next big supermarket to buy the fixings for his surprise dish. To buy all the needed things was an experience in itself. Mike ran up and down to find some exotic things, which I’d never heard about and he was so excited, that I couldn’t stop him. He laughed and joked, and it was obviously that he was happy. When we stood at the checkout and I watched all the things which lay on the belt, I couldn’t imagine that these things could make a dish. Never. But Mike was absolutely sure. And when I had to pay all that things, I nearly fainted when I saw the price of all together. But it was his birthday. And I knew already, that he had forgotten that he hadn’t his credit card any more, what is a joke here for us until today.

When we were back at home, Mike started immediately to cook „his“ birthday dish. Still shaking when he tried to use my hands and still not very used to keep things tidy, it was a really funny process and a slow metamorphosis to turn my kitchen into a total mess. After nearly one hour of prepairing, we put a big crock into the oven. Mike said, that it would take again one hour before it would be finished and after some time, we all looked forward to the food because it smelled wonderful. Even if Rosie wasn’t the best company for that day, Mike was overjoyed when we all sat later at the kitchen table and ate a really wonderful, even though unusual meal with a lot of pudding with cream for dessert.

The second wonderful memory was a day, which doesn’t started very good. It was our „free day“ my agreement with Mike, that one day in the week would be only for him. That didn’t always worked, and so I was the one that day, who wasn’t in the best mood because the weather was really incredible nice and Mike did not wanted to go out, especially not with the bicycle, what I really wanted. We needed to buy some small things, and as I had done it so often in summer before, I wanted to take the bike for the only five kilometers. Mike moaned and I started to get angry. At the end, I won the quarrel. It was my life. Not his one. One of the tyres of my bike was flat already, because I hadn’t used it for such a long time and we would have to pump it up before we could go. Did anybody know, if Mike ever pumped up a bicycle tyre? I think so, I’m sure of that, but that must have been one of the things he had totally forgotten, and coupled with still terrible shaking hands when he wanted to do something by all means, it ended up in a disaster. We took nearly half an hour to fill the tyre with air again in which the bike minimum fell down two times with a loud crash and we both did some surely really funny contortions. I was totally frustrated and only afraid what would happen, when we where really driving. Sometimes I really asked myself, what was wrong with me, to allow him all the time to try all these things because at that time, his self control concerning moves were absolutely terrible. but when we were over the first hundred meters, it worked fine to my surprise. Mike not only denied to drive with the bike. He also didn’t wanted to go jogging and swimming with me. Not because he didn’t liked all that, the problem was, that we would have to do all these things in public. That was a real problem for him because all the time he thought, that people would see HIM, not me. And him, driving without any protection along a country road with a bike to go shopping, to run through a public park or to go to a public swimming pool was something beyond his imagination.

But this day, he did it to please me and to escape from cleaning the house, what would have been the alternative to this trip and absolutely necessary But also absolutely nothing what Mike liked, even when I’ve read something different meanwhile. Until today I cannot imagine that he could have ever been a fan of cleaning rags. As a small compensation for the duress to go shopping with the bike and the threat that the house cleaning was only shunted to the evening, I promised Mike that he could cook something nice later and we would watch a film of his choice.

The first thing he wanted was, that we should buy the ingredients for dinner in a health food store in the middle of the city. That was ok itself. Except the prices there. But I wanted to see him happy again, so we went there and ruined our purse the first time that day.

When we came out of the shop, Mike saw a small book store a little bit down the street and he “only ” wanted to look there shortly. “Only looking shortly” in a book or music store was a boundless understatement by him, and we both knew that. But, I wanted to see him happy and so we spent more then an hour in the shop and I left it as a proud owner of several books with stories, spiritual topics and about arts. Again I paid much more than I wanted, and I was a little bit angry. The problem with this situation was, if he would have been a living being, I would have tried to hide my anger and to smile, I said it before, because I wanted to see him happy. But in our condition, this don’t work. He feel every one of my emotions, and vice versa, I feel all his emotions. That’s a very difficult thing and takes a huge amount of patience sometimes. And discipline to avoid a full time quarrel about nonsense or things which are not worthy to fight about.

Mike knew, that he had overdone things already for that day. “You’ve forgotten your credit card where you came from” I snapped, giving him in silence his new nickname “Want to have!”. he tried to be charming. “My love…it’s such a wonderful day…It’s so great, that we can look around here a little bit…for me it’s so great..Please, let’s enjoy the day! Tomorrow we will work, yes, we will work a lot and I will not say anything, promised”. I knew his promises already too. If he promised something to one of his very few friends, he moved everything, to hold his promise. With me, it seemed to be something different. Mostly, he had forgotten it after a very short time. For me, it was really not easy at that time to feel something like love and not only compassion for him. But it was much more difficult to live with him, and I don’t wanted to know how difficult it might have been to endure a living Mike.

After eating a big ice cream and walking around, watching the shop windows and the people in the city, we drove finally to a supermarket to do, what we initially wanted to do, buying some needed things. On the way home, Mike was so relaxed, that he tried to sing, what is always a tragedy with my voice and without care that I had already warned him, that we would surely do cleaning first when we were at home. Have I said, that Mike can be really charming? I think so, and he was very good with using this charm to change all one’s plans if he wanted that.

At first, he begged whether we might try the tea, which we bought from the health food store and watch the books a little bit while drinking it because the bike tour had been so exhausting that it would be only fair when we would indulge ourselves a little rest. „Ok…“ I thought, feeling myself a little bit tired. But then we would clean the house finally. We made tea and watched the books. But when I wanted us to start, Mike mentioned, that we had forgotten to buy fuel for the car…and by the way, there were the empty bottles in the trunk…shouldn’t we bring them to the bottle bank? If not, maybe the car would smell the next day. „Mike….you think, you are really clever, or? May it be, that someone really really don’t like to clean anything today?“ I smiled. Sometimes he have a really sweet way to let someone know that he don’t want something. “Nooo! Nono…you are wrong! I just tried to think logical….When we do this things today, it’s less stress tomorrow and, as I said, the car wouldn’t smell..”. Okay. As I knew, I couldn’t do anything against his sluggishness anyhow and he would be in a very bad mood if I would force him to do cleaning now. Which I didn’t felt like I wanted to bear it.

So we drove to the bottle bank first, then to the fuel station, and again to the supermarket to return the deposit bottles. Have I thought, that it would be so easy?No, or? When we went back to the car, Mike said „Dear…please…we are here now…can you please go inside and buy wild rice? I need it for the food later…“. „Mike, we have rice at home. Not less than three different sorts“. “But I need wild rice…That’s what is the best sort for the food I have in mind….Without that rice it wouldn’t be perfect” I said nothing and returned to buy wild rice. Because without, the meal wouldn’t be perfect. MY GOD!!! When we returned a second time to the car, the scene repeated, just the topic changed. „Dear…we should buy a new lamp for the kitchen table, don’t you agree?“ he looked to the furniture shop on the other side of the road. „NO! I don’t agree. At first, there is an old one now, and second, we don’t have money“. I promised myself to stay hard that time. A few days before, the lamp which we had usually on the kitchen table broke by Mike’s fault what I will explain later. But I had put another old one there, which wasn’t very nice, but useful and so there were no need to buy a new one.

„Dear….it’s so ugly…and really not bright enough…Look, when Rosie do her homework there sometimes…or when you want to read something…That old lamp is not good. And it’s ugly. Please…let’s go and buy a new one.”. I was nearby to lose my patience. “Mike! We – don’t – have – the – money”. “But we will go to work tomorrow…I have promised. I will not make trouble! We will have tomorrow! Please…..”. Before I would have to face endless discussions, I went to the store and bought a cheap, but nice lamp. I was totally stressed out, but at that time, my only wish was to go home and have peace. Not endless discussions about things, Mike meant that our life would depend on that we buy them.

When we came home, it was nearly nine in the evening. No thought about cleaning any more, it was definitively to late now. The day was done. But Mike was in a good mood, what was good for me, too. The meal was fantastic, and the film thrilling. When we went to bed very late at night, but not so late as usual, I thought „Ok..the evening was very nice…What I want more?“ The only thing I had a little bit doubts about was, that Mike wouldn’t have forgotten his promise the next day.