I.

November 2011

 

Now , I sit here and try to write down what had happened to me. Our story. Mine. Sitting here, in our small house in a small village in the middle of Germany, where it’s too often too cold, where it is always very quiet, our home embedded in a pretty landscape of smooth hills, green grass and trees. A peaceful place. I liked it from the first moment I came here, and I haven’t regretted just one moment till now, even when it’s a more than a different life, even when really everything has changed and even when it still seem to be not real that I can sit here now, in my own room, thinking about what and how to write.

I’m familiar with everything here now. I know how to run our business. I know how to repair things, clean everything fast, how to do the accounting and how to handle all these small everyday problems. I have a really normal life now with all it’s ups and downs. On the other side, nothing is normal.

More than two years have passed now, and it’s true, we talked so often about it that we should write down everything, the unbelievable, what happened to me, and to my love.

My love. Without her, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t sit here now, thinking, typing. One of the first things I asked her when I came here was: „Please, write down my thoughts about everything what happened. Please write it down for me what have happened to me“.

She never wanted that, and meanwhile I understand very well, why she is thinking so. Here, a lot has happened during that two years too. We’ve seen, we’ve read so much crazy things. She always knew very well, that people would never believe me and she’ve told me that often enough, from the beginning.

But in those days, when I came here, I was much too confused to understand. For a while, I thought, all this here must be a strange, but interesting dream. I thought, I would wake up anytime, and everything would be like as usual.

It needed a while, before I realized that it was not a dream. That something had happened to me, what was so horrible, so incomprehensible that I had one breakdown after one another, not understanding, terrified, scared, moaning, in despair.

I was kicked out of my life from one day to another. And that so definitively, so irreversible that I only wanted to scream, to accuse and to cry. Not being aware of the wonder that had happened. I was able to scream, to accuse and to cry.

It took a while, before I have understood that it was reality. That I could never change anything back. But that I’m making an unbelievable and absolutely fascinating experience, which I would, under the given circumstances never would wish to miss.

I have a new life, even when the most of people cannot imagine that and how it is. I have friends. My ideas. My wishes and my dreams. I have so much plans for the future. And I love. All this is wonderful. I don’t want to miss a day, even when I miss so much from my former life, my beloved ones, my family, people I’ve known, my work and especially my children. Even when I’ve lost so much memories, but that is, as I know now an accompaniment of my condition.

I am fighting, still. I would like to get justice for so many things, life and people have done to me. I know that this is an unfulfillable dream. But one thing I can still do. Write down. My thoughts and my story even with all those lost memories. I know who I am and who I was and when that is the only thing I really know for sure.

I died. My body died. But not my spirit and my soul. I’m here, and I will stay. Even when everything what I’ve ever known and loved is so far away and unreachable for me now, forever.

II.

I remember the moment when it happened. Not a second of what had happened during that day, the hours, the minutes before, but the moment itself I remember well. I woke up with the feeling of a stone compressing my chest and my heart was beating so fast as like a galloping horse. All my limbs felt heavy. I tried to move, but it was too hard. Then I realized, that I nearly couldn’t breathe. I tried to take a deep breath, already feeling a lack of oxygen. My chest still felt as if a mountain would press on it. Fear crept through my brain.

The only thought that I had was, that I was in a serious need for help. And that I was alone in the room. To breathe became nearly impossible and caused by that, I was not even able to bring out a word, far less to call for help.

I couldn’t see anything, everything was blurry.

I tried to get up because I started to realize, when I wouldn’t get help very soon, I would be in real danger. Maybe I would die. No chance. My body felt strange, so terribly heavy, numb. I couldn’t do just one single move, as much as I wanted. Panic overwhelmed me. I struggled frantically for air, not able to breathe, feeling my heart that nearly jumped out of my chest.

Then I heard a noise. My terror mingled with a small hope. Thank God, somebody came in. I would survive.

I couldn’t see clear, but I saw a shadow hunched over me, I heard somebody call my name. I tried to say something, unable to move any part of my body and I think that no more then a groan came out of my throat.

The shadow vanished. The lack of oxygen was so intense now, that my senses faded. Nothing happened. I knew instinctively, that the person inside the room must watching me. But nothing happened.

Then, everything got dark and I felt as if I would back out in absolute darkness, at the edge of an endless abyss. I fell. With the absolute certainty, when I would reach the ground, I would be dead. I never reached it, but my fate was already sealed.

III.

The first thing I remember, wondering why I wasn’t smashed on a ground somewhere, was a blazing white light around me. As if I would hang in the middle of a giant stage and masses of enormous floodlights would be directed onto me. I couldn’t see anything. Then, the blinding light disappeared, leaving me in a dimensionless ocean of colors.

The silence around me was absolute. I couldn’t feel anything. Not myself, no warmth, no cold, nothing. It felt as if I was only consciousness, tumbling around like a leaf in a nowhere, soft blowing wind. After some time, I thought to hear voices, far, very far away. And then I saw windows. Holes, snapping open for different periods of time, showing scenes which seemed to show me pictures of the world somewhere outside. I felt nothing, just watching. I saw masses of people, crying, shouting. I saw a white corridor of a hospital for a moment and after some time, my daughter, pressing her face hard on the body of my mother, both crying. I thought for a moment “wow…this is really the strangest dream I ever had”.

Pictures changed. Windows came and disappeared. I had absolutely lost my sense of time and I felt a kind of uncertain fear. What was, when this would never never never end now? I wanted to leave this scary place.

I always believed, that there must be a soulmate for me in this universe, only and unique for me, another soul which belongs to me, which is a part of myself. And as irrational as it seemed to myself, in these timeless, lost moment I wished nothing more than to be next to that soul, feeling save and protected.

During the last months, so hard under pressure and with the most horrifying imaginations about my future and maybe to be killed in mind, in hours of darkest despair, depression and fear, I had often talked with these soul in my mind, asking her, why I never met her, where she was, that time I needed her so urgently.

Now, lost, alone and not knowing what was happening, the wish to be with her grew immeasurable.

„Where are you? Why you don’t come to take me out from this nightmare? You were not there all my life, why you are not here now, when I’m so scared now?“ That were my thoughts.

Another window opened. I saw a woman in a car, driving, listening music, a rural landscape embedded in a colored beautiful sunset.

I had seen her before, short times in other windows, nosy watching her for a while before the picture disappeared again in my color ocean, feeling a deep sympathy for her.

This time something was different. The window disappeared, yes, like always. But the landscape stayed. The woman in the car stayed, and I watched the wonderful sunset as if I would looking over her shoulder, feeling her lively warmth.

And then, I could „hear“ her thoughts. More then surprised, when I realized her calling my name, unspoken, only a thought in her head.

„Mike…you will never see this kind of beauty again….Why you’ve done this to yourself? Why? Why this must have happened to you?“ The language was not english, but I understood every word. I was shocked for a moment. Did she spoke with me? Why? Did she knew me? From where or when? I was sure, that I had never seen her in all my life. Maybe she was a part of my terrifying dream now. I decided to try to speak to her too. I tried that with other people inside all these windows too, but it seemed, that I was invisible for them. If they were able to hear me, what was not always so, they reacted with fear or confusion. But if this was a different situation now, I could try it again.

„Hi! I’m Mike….And to be sincere, I don’t know why I have done something to myself, I even don’t know that I did?“

I saw her stiffen, her eyes went wide and her hands clutched the steering. A totally startled “What????” I could read in her head. Surprise. Woow. Cool. She must have heard me. “It’s nice here, really” I said. “Very beautiful. And I can see it, yes. I can see this beautiful sunset, wonderful colors. Is this Germany?”