Chapter III.

Staying alive

She

I.

The way home from Erfurt was very quiet, at least for the first 150 km, when we suddenly heard a hard bang not far in front of us and the traffic on the freeway stopped quickly. It was a little bit chaotic, cars tried to change the road track, hazard lights went on and horns sounded everywhere. There must have been an accident, directly in front of us. I thought about it, that Mike had told me two days before, that we shouldn’t take the freeway because something might happen and when I looked to Dieter on my left, I knew that he just thought the same, but we both didn’t say anything.

We had to wait for nearly one hour, before we could pass the scene of the accident. Ambulances, police and fire service had already arrived and the place looked horrible. Some of the crashed cars were beyond recognition that they were cars before and I don’t wanted to think about the people who were inside before. It was a tragedy. „And two minutes earlier…we would have been in the middle of this disaster…“ I thought. „I told you, that something would happen…but that I don’t know where and when…“ Mike said. Dieter intently watched the street. „We had really luck, hadn’t we?“ he asked. „Funny, that your ghost saw something like that coming…but maybe it’s coincidence. Yes. It’s a real funny coincidence“. Yes. That was it. Only a funny coincidence. We drove for a while, I listened to the radio. Then, the news. When came the traffic service, I stiffened in my seat.

Half an hour had passed, since the accident happened directly in front of us. Now they said, that just 5 km behind us another terrible accident happened with dead people expected. I felt cold. Dieter made a serious glance to me. “Coincidence again, eh?” I looked back to him. “we had have luck, you know that?” I said. I felt Mike smiling…and being relieved. Nothing would happen again on the rest of this journey.

When we reached my house late in the evening, Dieter came in with me for a coffee, before he would drive home. We sat opposite one another at the kitchen table, both very quiet, looking at each other. “That was a very interesting weekend…..” Dieter said. I started to apologize immediately. “I’m so sorry….I can understand, that you think now, that I’m crazy…It was just…”. What was it? An imagination? A strange obsession? A very serious mental problem? I felt helpless not finding the right words. Dieter smiled to me. „Don’t worry…I don’t think, that you are crazy…I know about things like that. It’s just not easy…..to experience that oneself…It’s so fascinating…and…you got a very special person…yes…It’s amazing. That it’s HIM“. Mike grinned in my head. I felt tired. And confused. I haven’t known that moment, that we would hear this sentence so often later….followed by terrible disappointments, which often enough would break Mike’s heart. But who would believe „something“ like him?

II.

The next day was very quiet. I went to work as always, came home late as always and were tired as always. I had bought wine on the way back home and I hoped that I could sleep early, without a talking and talking and talking Mike in my head. He was very quiet the whole day and sometimes I had asked me, if he was still there or if the spook had ended finally. I opened the wine, put a pizza into the oven and called my cousin to have a little bit distraction, but as always, Ralf bored me first with his fast changing topics until we talked about what had happened to me during the passed weekend and he was really fascinated. I would have never thought, that he would believe me, but he did, and it was good that I could talk with someone about it. And I talked and talked, like a waterfall because I was so confused about everything. And I drank the wine, to my own surprise much too fast, so that I was a little bit dizzy after the first bottle. I excused myself to Ralf and stumbled to the toilet. „Oh my God…I’m drunken…again!!“ I thought. When I wanted to leave the bathroom, I was so confused, that I turned off the light before I openend the door. And then I strucked in awe. Directly in front of me was light…not light..a shine in the total darkness of the room. With the shape of a human being. I wanted to scream, but something inside of me said“ NO!!!! Don’t move!!! What you are seeing here is the most amazing thing you’ll ever see!!! Just look and don’t do anything!!!“.

So I stood there, and watched that wonderful bright shine and as longer I stood there, I was more sure that this wasn’t a halluzination. And for that, one bottle of wine wouldn’t have been enough too.

Month later, I would hold an Aura photography from this vision in my hands. Together with the one of my own Aura, changing from second to second. At that moment I just even couldn’t believe, what I had seen when the light disappeared and I opened the door to the corridor, confused, more than ever in my life before.

III.

In that night, I drank definitively too much and in the morning of the following tuesday I woke up with a bad headache which vanished only when I had taken two aspirin and drank a whole pot of coffee. I’d never drunk so much alcohol i in my life and I was shocked and felt bad about the development of the last few weeks. What was wrong with me ? I heard a silent „sorry…“ somewhere in my head and felt a feeling of shame and regret. „I don’t want to do this, I don’t want…But I’m so confused. This is such a bad dream, yes, such a bad dream….I saw people, you know…people crying, and I think, they cried because of me…because I’m dead….I saw my mother crying, holding my crying daughter at her chest…yes. Wow, it’s a bad dream. And then, why I find you now here in a dream..? I think, I dreamed about you before, but that was so different…and not so real, so so real as this now..I wanna wake up…You think, I’ll wake up soon? I don’t want to leave you again…But I wish, I would wake up soon from this nightmare“.

I tried to concentrate. I would have to work in the afternoon and I don’t wanted, that this insanity would prevent me from that. I cleaned the flat a little bit and started to prepare myself for work, going to take a shower first to remove the last traces of that terrible night. The hot water felt wonderful and I used a lot of soap as if i wanted to remove something really dirty from my skin, something what left a terrible feeling of inadequacy inside which I really couldn’t need in my difficult situation anyhow.

„The water…the water feels so real…so good. You know, how good it feels?“ Oh no. The insanity was still there. „Go away! GO away!!“ I shouted in my thoughts. „But it feels good…Sorry, that I’ve said that..Please, you can stay a little bit longer under the shower and let me feel it? Please…“ My answer was „No“ and I just wanted to off the water, when the world around me disappeared and I fell into darkness. I fainted, from one second to another.

I don’t know how much time had passed when I opened my eyes again. I felt terrible, realizing that I was sitting in a corner of the shower, the hot water still running over my body, shaking in all limbs and „something“ tried to tear out bunches of my hair. The room seemed strange to me and when I wanted to stop tearing out my hair, I couldn’t. I wanted to scream, but instead, an uncontrollable sobbing came out of my mouth, the the shaking became more and tears started to run from my eyes. I felt a growing panic, everything was absolutely out of control. The condition was nearly the same like on the friday night before we travelled to Erfurt and I was so afraid like never bevore in my life. This was real, it wasn’t a bad dream.

The sobbing and crying continued and it felt for like eternity before I was able again to move myself. I turned off the water, still trembling, gasping for breath and crept out of the shower. I couldn’t think, I was still near to a panic. I stood up, wrapped myself into a big towel and sat down on the rim of the bath tub. What had that been? What had happened here? I was totally under shock. “It was me…sorry…sorry…Please forgive me..I just wanted to feel the water..only that. But…You know what? I can use your body…I can move it!!Woow..I can move it…Sorry…I don’t wanted to frighten you..But I can do it…I can be here, and move…with your body!And I felt the water! Incredible…”. Again a sob in my head. No. No, all this was too crazy! “Never, never NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!” I shouted, loud, really loud. „Sorry…really, I don’t wanted to scare you…really not. It…just happened, I don’t know how..“. The voice in my head was much more rueful. I nearly screamed replying “Never do that again, whatever you are and whatever you want from me! You frightened me to death! Go away! Just leave me! i don’t want you! You are terrible! I don’t want you!”.

Still shivering, I tried to put on a shirt and sweatpants, and faltered to the kitchen. I needed a coffee, and someone to talk to. I only wanted to escape from this craziness. To go to work in this condition, I could forget. I was too shocked, understanding nothing except that something was seriously wrong with me. I called Rosie and she offered me to come to her house to talk about it. I was not able to tell her on the phone what had happened and I was happy that I could leave that horror house.

But when I arrived at her home, she had already a visitor which I knew too. I was totally disappointed, because now, I had to play that everything was ok and doing some smalltalk with them both. I was absolutely not in the mood for something like that and so I left soon, telling Rosie that she should call me later. What she did in the evening, but just to rant about her own problems. That I had really needed her in the afternoon because something absolutely unbelievable had happened to me, she had forgotten.

IV.

The rest of the day I spent with thinking, without coming to any conclusion. Why all this, so suddenly, without forewarning and without any reason. Why me and moreover, why him? Why this human being I had never paid attention to, about which I never cared in my life before? I tried to stop the conversation with him in my head, without any success no matter how much I wanted it. He told me, that he was with me only for the reason because he had just called for his „other part“, his soulmate. That this were the place, where he wanted to be, and so, here he was.

Fantastic. Here he was. As if that would be the most normal thing in the world, that I was talking with someone who was dead and who was never interesting for me, which I even had never liked, far away from loving this person. And as if it would be the easiest and most normal thing to accept that this dead person claimed to be my „other part“, my soulmate. I was absolutely sure, that I was on the best way to go crazy.

In the evening, Rosie called me again and this time she managed it to ask me why I were white as a wall in the morning. I told her what had happened but the only advice she had for me was, to try to sleep early because she was sure that I was just a little bit overworked. And, I should not forget that I wanted to bring her to her doctor the next morning. Then she changed the topic, again talking about her problems with her husband who was a alcoholic and was just once again in the hospital that time.

I listened patiently to her, as a good friend do and and after two hours of discussion I begged her again to file for divorce because that was, in my opinion, the only way out of a situation which was characterized by abuse, violence and humiliation. I had little hope, that she would listen but I still hoped that one day she would open her eyes after he tried to kill her not long ago.

We ended the conversation very late, me with the promise to pick her in time, she with the promise to think about a divorce. I knew that I wouldn’t sleep until morning, as usual since Mike was here. He would talk and talk and talk. About himself. With luck he wouldn’t force me to look for something about him in the net and he wouldn’t cry.

I had slept only two hours when I picked Rosie and brought her to the doctor. Normally she would have driven by herself, but her car was broken and in the garage of a friend to repair it. That morning, Mike took control over me with intention the first time. I even haven’t noticed that, but on the middle of the way, Rosie nearly screamed in fear and asked me to please drive more slowly. Now she was white like a wall. I heard Mike who laughed in my head. And then my foot pressed the gas pedal again a little bit deeper. The radio was much louder than I had noticed before. I tried to get back control, but no way. My small VW Polo, which was just a toy car or a gocart in Mike’s opinion, darted through the next sharp curve of the narrow country road which are so typical for our area. Rosie screamed again and me, without saying anything loud, screamed in my head too “Stop!!! Mike, that is not funny!!! Stop it!!” But he just giggled and laughed, using the car like a race car without any possibility for me to stop him. Everything was out of my control and me, too, was only terrified. When we reached the doctor’s office Rosie said, that she would prefer it to go back with a taxi. But after all we picked her later, with the promise of Mike that he wouldn’t do that again. Rosie and me don’t talked about that what had happened in the morning, but when we drove back to her house I saw it in her eyes, what she thought. And the first time of many following times and occasions I really begged Mike inwardly please, please not to bring me in serious difficulties. Not thinking about it, that I was already talking seriously with „something“ which was, at that point, in my opinion, only a crazy imagination of myself.

V.

Looking back, the following weeks was just something I can only describe as a total chaos. I, we haven’t written down everything minutely detailed, so I’ve to try to remember all that, what had happened especially at the end of that year 2009. It was so much. In the middle of August, we watched the first time the official memorial for Mike, which we have never seen completely, except of a few extracts, until today because he cannot stand it. But on the other side, we were on the way through the internet all the time, in the morning and especially in the nights, as if Mike was on a discovery search about himself. That time he noticed that he had forgotten his life. Not himself, he was absolutely sure who he was, but his life. And his music. One day, he stood in front of my piano, which was a present from my mother years before in the hope that I would learn it, what I never did. He stood there, quiet, a long time only watching the instrument and then, with a shaking hand, which was normal for his condition that time, he pressed the keys down very slowly, nearly afraid. And when he heard the sound, he started to cry, so painful, that it broke my heart. He had forgotten how to play it. Later I learned the he never played an instrument really good, his only instrument was his voice, even when he was able to play the piano moderately before. He vowed that day, never to touch the piano again, never to try to make music again but on the other side I knew already how much he wished exactly that. So I was sure that he would try it again, what he did even when it would become a hard way for us both. But a wonderful and exciting one too, but that was much later.

The following two month were fight. Fight with Mike, who wanted me to believe him with might and main, and with my doubts about whether all this wasn’t the beginning of a galloping insanity. Fight for Mike, who tried to get familiar with my body to use it what ended most of the time with something broken and a terrible shaking in all limbs which was also noticed by some of my friends, which not all tried to understand and to listen to what I myself thought about it. I don’t know how I would have reacted, if one of them would have confronted me with that , what I asked them to understand, but I can understood their reaction. A little bit. We would have to make very disappointing experiences. And not only Mike was, as he had always been, much too trustful and naive, in a way, I was that at that time too. Also because I couldn’t handle the situation alone, I needed people to talk about it. In many cases, and still today sometimes, especially for Mike, this inner need to share what had happened was a big mistake what he had regretted many times because he was only left hurt at the end.

He hadn’t only forgotten his life, he had also forgotten how to live. He had lost every feeling for the needs of a physical body. He didn’t needed sleep, so he didn’t let me sleep. He forgot eating. And drinking, concerned to normal drinks. To alcohol, he developed a very unhealthy friendship which nearly killed me but helped him to push me “away” and do the things he wanted to do.

In the daytime, he was nearly cringing, he begged for everything and was very sweet to convince me to allow him things. But in the night, he did what he wanted, begging first for a little bit wine and after some time and at some point, everything was out of control.

He cried, screamed and hurt me by beating against the furniture. He wrote emails to former friends, wondering why they didn’t reply, what thank God no one of them ever did. They would have just told ME, that I’m a maniac.

The day, I started to stop all this a little bit was, when I got up one morning, not even feeling bad or sick, noticing the two empty bottles of wine on the sink and then, opening the fridge, to find there an empty bottle of vodka.

I was shocked. Could that be true? Had I, me, who never drank much and especially no hard alcoholics, drunk that whole bottle? Mike was silent. Very silent. I knew, that Rosie had left some bottles of vodka in my house to hide them from her husband. But I would have never touched them, because I hated this kind of drink. And now, there was a nearly empty bottle of it in the fridge.

I felt rage. Real, hot and deep rage. “No dear… you will not continue doing this to me” I thought. Mike was still quiet. He knew very well what he had done. I went to the cellar and checked the bottles, Rosie put there. Three were missing, which I found later hidden in the storeroom. Naturally empty. I took the other ones and emptied them out in the sink. This was too much for me and I really shouted at Mike. „Are you CRAAAZY? You want to kill me? You want to destroy my life? Do you think, you can do with me, what you want? All this, only to push me away and then you can do what you like, eh? Where should this end? Not only that you are writing stupid letters then, you don’t let me sleep, you use my body and you destroy my health!“

I felt Mike ducking and starting to cry. That was not only a feeling of crying, no, I, me, felt tears which ran down my cheeks. A despaired squeak came from my throat. That time, Mike couldn’t speak because I was not able to allow that. He, and with him me, started to shiver, as he always do when something really hurts him and he is excited in a negative way. Again. „Sorry…sorry…I was mindless, sorry…I promise, really, I promise, I will never do that again to you…I love you! I promise“. I felt that he was really ashamed, but more that I’ve noticed what he had done than about that, what it would cause if he would go on with this behavior. But as I said, he had lost the feeling for “live”, and it would take a long time before he was able to feel the needs of this body which he wanted to share with me. I said nothing again that day, I was just totally angry, but I denied it the following days to buy wine, no matter, how much he begged. Instead I bought beer, which I knew he never liked. And indeed, it became a little bit better for a while.

VI.

As always in life, bad and sad memories alternate with wonderful and sweet ones. One of those from this time was, to go shopping, even when it was a very expensive time. for a long time, Mike couldn’t really realize and understand, that people couldn’t see him anymore. He don’t wanted to go out, he had a downright aversion to leave the house. When it was not possible to avoid it anymore to go out, his only thought was, to go home as fast as it was possible. He wanted to duck himself, expecting that everybody must see him. What was totally irrational, but that was, what he felt. Everybody must see him. It took a little bit until he felt a little bit save, like in a good disguise, but the fear to be visible for the people around us came often back. On the other side, Mike loves shopping. And to go through a supermarket, unseen, and to look all and everything with peace and to chose the things, normal things like food and what we need for our life, was a real pleasure for him. The only problem was, that when he wanted something, he wanted it. No matter, whether the money was there or whether we really needed it. And that time, he denied it strictly to eat meat, or better to allow me to eat it. And that was expensive, as he himself was expensive too. When we went into the city, there was always something what he wanted to buy. When we went into the city, there was always something what he wanted to buy. He watched everything with big, shining children’s eyes (If I could have seen him), happy, not thinking anymore, and no shop for clothing or a book store was save of him. And then, he don’t wanted to go, before I hadn’t bought something, even when it was only something small and absolutely useless.

One of the first of these never forgotten memories was his birthday. Meanwhile, after seeing himself all the hype around the memorial and reading all the news around him, he was now aware that all wasn’t only a bad dream. He would never wake up again, that was clear for him now and the nights he cried and screamed were so terrible that I better don’t want to remember. On his birthday, he was already sad the day before, because there wouldn’t be a birthday party. Everyone who had known him before would be sad that day. No one would say „happy birthday“ to him, except me. But I tried to give him a little bit solace by promising, that I would something special, what we could do that day. The first thing was, that I took a free day, what made him already a little bit happy, because he really hated my job, what would escalate with the beginning of 2010, after we returned from London.

We thought both hard about it, what we could do on that day. After Rosie heard, that I would stay that day at home, she quickly rushed to my house. She had again problems with her studies and I should help her. Mike was absolutely frustrated about that, because when he wanted something, then not a Rosie who would talk the whole afternoon about her math and german problems. Rosie didn’t cared about it, what was with Mike. While he started to really like her and to do everything to get her friendship because she reminded him to a dear friend which he had before, she was still indifferent. One day she told me, that I should not worry, she would know that things like that are possible and she would like Mike, another day she tried to convince me that I needed medical help and that Mike was always an ugly and terrible person for her.

Mike was more and more down. Than he proposed, that he could cook something. “You? You want to cook?” I was surprised. He was a little bit piqued. “Surely! You think, I cannot cook? I think, I could try to make a fine indian dish…You would like?”. He asked Rosie, whether she would like it, when he would cook something. For her, it doesn’t mattered, but she said, if he would like, he could do that. I have to insert, that at that time, Mike already spoke. With me. With a horrible accent and a terrible German, what was sometimes a little bit embarrassing for me, but I had allowed im that with the ones who knew him already, which were only two people, Rosie and Dieter. So that afternoon I drove with Mike to the next big supermarket to buy the fixings for his surprise dish. To buy all the needed things was an experience in itself. Mike ran up and down to find some exotic things, which I’d never heard about and he was so excited, that I couldn’t stop him. He laughed and joked, and it was obviously that he was happy. When we stood at the checkout and I watched all the things which lay on the belt, I couldn’t imagine that these things could make a dish. Never. But Mike was absolutely sure. And when I had to pay all that things, I nearly fainted when I saw the price of all together. But it was his birthday. And I knew already, that he had forgotten that he hadn’t his credit card any more, what is a joke here for us until today.

When we were back at home, Mike started immediately to cook „his“ birthday dish. Still shaking when he tried to use my hands and still not very used to keep things tidy, it was a really funny process and a slow metamorphosis to turn my kitchen into a total mess. After nearly one hour of prepairing, we put a big crock into the oven. Mike said, that it would take again one hour before it would be finished and after some time, we all looked forward to the food because it smelled wonderful. Even if Rosie wasn’t the best company for that day, Mike was overjoyed when we all sat later at the kitchen table and ate a really wonderful, even though unusual meal with a lot of pudding with cream for dessert.

The second wonderful memory was a day, which doesn’t started very good. It was our „free day“ my agreement with Mike, that one day in the week would be only for him. That didn’t always worked, and so I was the one that day, who wasn’t in the best mood because the weather was really incredible nice and Mike did not wanted to go out, especially not with the bicycle, what I really wanted. We needed to buy some small things, and as I had done it so often in summer before, I wanted to take the bike for the only five kilometers. Mike moaned and I started to get angry. At the end, I won the quarrel. It was my life. Not his one. One of the tyres of my bike was flat already, because I hadn’t used it for such a long time and we would have to pump it up before we could go. Did anybody know, if Mike ever pumped up a bicycle tyre? I think so, I’m sure of that, but that must have been one of the things he had totally forgotten, and coupled with still terrible shaking hands when he wanted to do something by all means, it ended up in a disaster. We took nearly half an hour to fill the tyre with air again in which the bike minimum fell down two times with a loud crash and we both did some surely really funny contortions. I was totally frustrated and only afraid what would happen, when we where really driving. Sometimes I really asked myself, what was wrong with me, to allow him all the time to try all these things because at that time, his self control concerning moves were absolutely terrible. but when we were over the first hundred meters, it worked fine to my surprise. Mike not only denied to drive with the bike. He also didn’t wanted to go jogging and swimming with me. Not because he didn’t liked all that, the problem was, that we would have to do all these things in public. That was a real problem for him because all the time he thought, that people would see HIM, not me. And him, driving without any protection along a country road with a bike to go shopping, to run through a public park or to go to a public swimming pool was something beyond his imagination.

But this day, he did it to please me and to escape from cleaning the house, what would have been the alternative to this trip and absolutely necessary But also absolutely nothing what Mike liked, even when I’ve read something different meanwhile. Until today I cannot imagine that he could have ever been a fan of cleaning rags. As a small compensation for the duress to go shopping with the bike and the threat that the house cleaning was only shunted to the evening, I promised Mike that he could cook something nice later and we would watch a film of his choice.

The first thing he wanted was, that we should buy the ingredients for dinner in a health food store in the middle of the city. That was ok itself. Except the prices there. But I wanted to see him happy again, so we went there and ruined our purse the first time that day.

When we came out of the shop, Mike saw a small book store a little bit down the street and he “only ” wanted to look there shortly. “Only looking shortly” in a book or music store was a boundless understatement by him, and we both knew that. But, I wanted to see him happy and so we spent more then an hour in the shop and I left it as a proud owner of several books with stories, spiritual topics and about arts. Again I paid much more than I wanted, and I was a little bit angry. The problem with this situation was, if he would have been a living being, I would have tried to hide my anger and to smile, I said it before, because I wanted to see him happy. But in our condition, this don’t work. He feel every one of my emotions, and vice versa, I feel all his emotions. That’s a very difficult thing and takes a huge amount of patience sometimes. And discipline to avoid a full time quarrel about nonsense or things which are not worthy to fight about.

Mike knew, that he had overdone things already for that day. “You’ve forgotten your credit card where you came from” I snapped, giving him in silence his new nickname “Want to have!”. he tried to be charming. “My love…it’s such a wonderful day…It’s so great, that we can look around here a little bit…for me it’s so great..Please, let’s enjoy the day! Tomorrow we will work, yes, we will work a lot and I will not say anything, promised”. I knew his promises already too. If he promised something to one of his very few friends, he moved everything, to hold his promise. With me, it seemed to be something different. Mostly, he had forgotten it after a very short time. For me, it was really not easy at that time to feel something like love and not only compassion for him. But it was much more difficult to live with him, and I don’t wanted to know how difficult it might have been to endure a living Mike.

After eating a big ice cream and walking around, watching the shop windows and the people in the city, we drove finally to a supermarket to do, what we initially wanted to do, buying some needed things. On the way home, Mike was so relaxed, that he tried to sing, what is always a tragedy with my voice and without care that I had already warned him, that we would surely do cleaning first when we were at home. Have I said, that Mike can be really charming? I think so, and he was very good with using this charm to change all one’s plans if he wanted that.

At first, he begged whether we might try the tea, which we bought from the health food store and watch the books a little bit while drinking it because the bike tour had been so exhausting that it would be only fair when we would indulge ourselves a little rest. „Ok…“ I thought, feeling myself a little bit tired. But then we would clean the house finally. We made tea and watched the books. But when I wanted us to start, Mike mentioned, that we had forgotten to buy fuel for the car…and by the way, there were the empty bottles in the trunk…shouldn’t we bring them to the bottle bank? If not, maybe the car would smell the next day. „Mike….you think, you are really clever, or? May it be, that someone really really don’t like to clean anything today?“ I smiled. Sometimes he have a really sweet way to let someone know that he don’t want something. “Nooo! Nono…you are wrong! I just tried to think logical….When we do this things today, it’s less stress tomorrow and, as I said, the car wouldn’t smell..”. Okay. As I knew, I couldn’t do anything against his sluggishness anyhow and he would be in a very bad mood if I would force him to do cleaning now. Which I didn’t felt like I wanted to bear it.

So we drove to the bottle bank first, then to the fuel station, and again to the supermarket to return the deposit bottles. Have I thought, that it would be so easy?No, or? When we went back to the car, Mike said „Dear…please…we are here now…can you please go inside and buy wild rice? I need it for the food later…“. „Mike, we have rice at home. Not less than three different sorts“. “But I need wild rice…That’s what is the best sort for the food I have in mind….Without that rice it wouldn’t be perfect” I said nothing and returned to buy wild rice. Because without, the meal wouldn’t be perfect. MY GOD!!! When we returned a second time to the car, the scene repeated, just the topic changed. „Dear…we should buy a new lamp for the kitchen table, don’t you agree?“ he looked to the furniture shop on the other side of the road. „NO! I don’t agree. At first, there is an old one now, and second, we don’t have money“. I promised myself to stay hard that time. A few days before, the lamp which we had usually on the kitchen table broke by Mike’s fault what I will explain later. But I had put another old one there, which wasn’t very nice, but useful and so there were no need to buy a new one.

„Dear….it’s so ugly…and really not bright enough…Look, when Rosie do her homework there sometimes…or when you want to read something…That old lamp is not good. And it’s ugly. Please…let’s go and buy a new one.”. I was nearby to lose my patience. “Mike! We – don’t – have – the – money”. “But we will go to work tomorrow…I have promised. I will not make trouble! We will have tomorrow! Please…..”. Before I would have to face endless discussions, I went to the store and bought a cheap, but nice lamp. I was totally stressed out, but at that time, my only wish was to go home and have peace. Not endless discussions about things, Mike meant that our life would depend on that we buy them.

When we came home, it was nearly nine in the evening. No thought about cleaning any more, it was definitively to late now. The day was done. But Mike was in a good mood, what was good for me, too. The meal was fantastic, and the film thrilling. When we went to bed very late at night, but not so late as usual, I thought „Ok..the evening was very nice…What I want more?“ The only thing I had a little bit doubts about was, that Mike wouldn’t have forgotten his promise the next day.